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A Brand New Paula In The Country!


Hey everyone! So, as you are aware (because I know I have surely been missed in the blogging world) (or not) (whatever), I have taken what seems like a long hiatus from blogging. You see, I think my problem was that I lacked directionality. And, well, crappy things sort of happened to me that made me reprioritize stuff. There was that, too. But the other night I was lying awake and thought to myself, “Man, Paula. We’re bored. We need something fun and creative to do so we don’t go nuts. By the way, we’re really hungry, too.”. And this, folks, is how my brand new blog called Cook It. Eat It. Repeat It. was born. Thus far, I’m having way too much fun with it, and much more is in store. So follow me over there! Please? I’ll give you all a dollar. Or my neverending gratitude. One of those. Probably the latter. What more do you people want from me?!?!

Ok, I am now done being melodramatic. Come visit me here!

http://cookiteatitrepeatit.wordpress.com/

Sincerely,

Paula In The Country

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Posted by on November 16, 2014 in Humor

 

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Well, My Floors *Could* Use A Good Mopping…

In today’s edition of fun with online dating, we have who I refer to only as ‘the one who got away’.

*Sigh*

They always run at the first mention of the word ‘laundry’

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Posted by on September 25, 2014 in Humor

 

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Paula In The Country’s Fun With Online Dating!

You guys know what’s hard? I mean, besides folding a fitted sheet, and playing Sudoku? (Seriously, does anyone really know how to play that game? I don’t buy it.) It’s dating. Especially dating at 39, particularly when you’ve never been married. It’s automatically assumed that you’re horribly disfigured or have a psychotic streak. Which I do not, unless you count the one time I stuck an entire box of donut holes up a guy’s tailpipe. I regret nothing. Except that I wasted some perfectly good donut holes. Anyhooooooo… As I was saying; There was a time when I would wallow in a pool of self-pity, fielding poorly penned messages from these so-called ‘gentlemen’ in my dating pool. But one day I realized, “P-Dawg!” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “What’s the hell’s the point of feeling sorry for yourself? That is dumb.”. I’m pretty wise when I talk to myself. That was the day I decided to have fun with these dudes. So here, I present to you, the first edition of Paula In The Country’s Fun With Online Dating!

It’s pretty exciting stuff. Trust me.

Here we go!

 

I like to call this one ‘Mr. Romantic And Slightly Creepy’.

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I actually did make a walrus face at my dog. Didn’t even make that up.

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2014 in Humor

 

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Liebster, Liebster, Liebster!

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Ok, ok… So I haven’t blogged in forever. Can I tell you all something? I’m gonna. See, I have a brother that’s pretty ill. I blogged about it a while back. I don’t talk about it a lot because, well, it’s not really a fun thing to talk about. Anyway, a lot of my energy is being expended right now on family, and I’m afraid it’s impeding both my blogging and my Tweeting. It’s a damn shame, really. You guys are missing out on some quality Paula In The Country thoughts. I’m certain you’ve all felt an emptiness inside because of it. Or not. Whatever. Anyway, I was nominated for this award thingy a long time ago, and I’m just now getting around to doin’ this thang. So… here we go:

First off, thank you, http://athenenoelle.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for such a prestigious award, just for doing nothing other than occasionally amusing myself by rambling about absurd things. I feel like just Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars, except that I’m totally way cuter. Yep. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it. And now… to answer all these questions. Whew. I’m exhausted already.

1. Do you think having to answer questions for an award is stupid? If so, proceed to the rules, and ignore the questions. You can ignore the rules too! I don’t care. I still like you just the way you are.

I don’t HAVE to answer anything. You can’t make me. You just said so right up there.

2. What color just makes you so happy, and why?

Orange. Because it is the color of carrot cake, and carrot cake makes me happy.

3. Do you have a favorite bug? Why is it your favorite?

I do not have a favorite bug. Except maybe those bugs in the movie Bugs. They were cute. In real life, though, all bugs can pretty much suck it.

4. Do you believe in reincarnation? What is your reason for your belief, and do you feel you have proof if its existence?

Maybe. I’m not really sure. It seems a little farfetched, but my brother swears he was a weed at my parents’ wedding before he was born. True story. My family is weird.

5. How do you define “infinity”? They say our universe is infinite. Can you even conceive of the infinite? I can’t, so don’t feel bad if you can’t either.

This question is requiring me to think hard way too early in the morning, so I’m moving on.

6. What do you think real love is?

Real love means I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around… Wait… That’s a Rick Astley song. Never mind.

7. What do you dream about, if you remember your dreams?

The older I get, the less I remember my dreams. My last memorable one was about mutant puppies and me giving birth to kittens, though. You know, normal stuff. I had nipples on my stomach. Whatevs.

8. Do you believe in living with someone if you’re not married, with all of that packing and trouble for a relationship that could end in a few months?

I think living with someone prior to marriage is a requirement. I ain’t gonna marry someone I know leaves a dribble of pee running down the front of the toilet daily.

9. Do you think all Muslims are evil terrorists? (I don’t). Like all extremists, I think they are a small percentage of the total population.

No, but I think those red hat ladies are.

10. Do you like your nose? If you could have a celebrity’s nose, whose would it be, and would it go with your face, aesthetically speaking?

My nostrils look like peanuts, and I have far too many blackheads, but otherwise my nose is ok. I think I’d like a nose like Jennifer Grey’s new nose, but I think it’d look odd on my big head.

11. Do you believe in God/a Creator, and if you do, do you think God is a man or a woman, or just a Presence or a Being?

I think there’s something out there, but I don’t think I’m smart enough to know what he/she/it is. I’m pretty sure he/she/it has a Samuel L. Jackson voice, though.

Shit… 11 random facts? Good Lord, this is like the SATs up in here. Here we go:

– I have three older brothers. I’m the baby, and the only girl. My parents stopped at me because they knew they had created perfection. Again, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

– I’m scared of the ocean, bridges, flying, and bees.

– I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

– One time in junior high science class, I was reading out loud and I said ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’. It still haunts me to this day.

– I used to be a fat girl in my late teens/early 20’s. Then I got real skinny, then back to semi-fat, and now I’m somewhere in between.

– Yesterday I biked 20 miles, and I feel like someone butt raped me.

– I have a dolphin tattoo on my lower back, and it is the stupidest-looking tattoo ever. Never get a tattoo when you’re 18 years old. I need to start a campaign about this so others don’t ever have to live in shame of their lower back region like I do.

– I love musicals. LOVE them. I’ve actually taken some theatre classes, and I can sing, but sadly, I cannot dance unless it’s an accidental twerk. I wish I’d taken some dance and gotten into the theatre stuff in high school, because it seems like it’s just plain fun.

– I want to go to Greece at least once before I die. I want to see the ruins, eat the food, and sleep with a hot Greek stranger.

– I was a virgin until I was 24 years old. Despite my naughty librarian appearance, I’m really a good girl. But if I ever find the right dude and fall in love, it is SO on.

Hey look, I did 11 already! That wasn’t so hard. Now for my nominees!

http://farmerfarthing.com/

http://longchaps2.wordpress.com/

http://fisticuffsandshenanigans.com/

http://thephilfactor.com/

http://restlessnightsincheaphotels.wordpress.com/

And the questions:

1. Do you prefer to blog with or without pants on?

2. Can you please tell me how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

3. Who would you run into a burning building to save?

4. Are you at all psychic?

5. Have you ever been arrested?

6. What’s your favorite decade?

7. If you could have drinks with one person, living or dead, who would it be, and why?

8. What is your favorite household appliance?

9. Do you believe in ghosts?

10. Why’s the sky blue?

11. What’s your favorite book and/or author?

I think that’s enough questions. I have to go pee.

The rules: (which, of course, are made to be broken)

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. (There’s no need, if you don’t feel like it).
  2. Display the award on your blog–by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what a “widget” or a “gadget” is. I didn’t either.)
  3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
  4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
  5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.
  6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
  7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:
  8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Now I have to figure out how to inform my nominees that they’re nominees.

Blogging is hard.

 
21 Comments

Posted by on June 1, 2014 in Humor

 

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Adventures In Online Dating

Dating can be tough.

However, this morning I was comforted by the fact that, if nothing else, at least I am NOT a match for ManZebra.

Today is a good day.

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I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried, folks.

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2014 in Humor

 

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For The Love Of Tight Pants

So, today was opening day of baseball.

*Yawn*

I suppose I should be excited. This means it’s officially Spring, right? And it’s America’s Favorite Pastime, right???

But… Sadly… I. Just. Can’t.

It’s not that I don’t WANT to care. I really, really do. I feel downright un-American. Baseball seems like something I should be able to get behind. Men in tight pants? Drinking? Shoving encased meats in my face? Sounds kind of great, actually. I mean, I live in Chicago, we have two baseball teams, for God’s sake. Two!

But… I don’t care. I just don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I love movies about baseball. ‘A League Of Their Own’? Hell yeah, there’s no crying in baseball, bitches! ‘Field Of Dreams’? Preach on, James Earl Jones! ‘Trouble With The Curve’? Ok, I was a little disappointed Justin Timberlake wasn’t in baseball pants, not gonna lie, but I can overlook that because I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, and who doesn’t love Clint Eastwood? Even as an old dude, he’s completely badass. Come on now. But the game itself? Like, dudes hitting a ball with a stick and running around some bases? I don’t get it, guys.

*Sigh*

I know… I’m ashamed of me, too.

But seriously, at least bend over a little more, fellas. Don’t let the pants go to waste.

Uhhh… Play ball?

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Posted by on April 1, 2014 in Humor, Sports

 

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Why Friends Are Better Than Dates

I haven’t written anything in a while, I know. I haven’t really been inspired. You ever get like that? Like, you WANT to write something. You know you have decent grammar skills and are mildly amusing in spurts. But there’s just nothin’? Yeah. That. Anyway, after my recent dumpage, (See a couple blogs back. Some dumbass dumped me. Pfft. Whatevs. He may have briefly hurt me, but he’ll never take my Chunky Monkey.) I told myself I was taking a long dating hiatus to focus on my upcoming 10 mile run from hell. However, I got these new glasses that make me look all sexy librarian-like, and ever since, I’m beating dudes off with a stick. I probably shouldn’t have used ‘beating’ and ‘off’ in the same sentence regarding dating, but whatever. You know what I meant. So, I’ve been doing a smattering of flirting and such, which I guess is what single chicks are supposed to do, and just the other day, I was discussing a recent potential date with my friend Donna. Donna is a great friend. I think she gets pissed at me because I complain to her I’m fat all the time, but that I really want a cheeseburger, and somehow she puts up with my rants, and then says that she’s just done with me. It’s much less harsh than it sounds. Anyway, I thought I’d share one of our recent conversations, because it’s definitely share-worthy:

Me: “He used the wrong ‘your’, and you know how I feel about that.”

Donna: “Paula, some people are just better in person than in messages. You should give him a chance.”

Me: “I don’t know. He seems like he may ok. But he called me ‘babe’ in his last message to me. Like, who does that? Babe? Who says that? It reminds me of some male chauvinist dude with gold chains and an overabundance of chest hair.”

Donna: “I don’t mind ‘babe’. I mean, it’s better than ‘cunt’ or something.”

Gotta admit, she has a point.

And this, people, is why friends are better than dates.

I rest my case.

The End

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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