Now that February has arrived, who can’t help but notice the grocery store aisles once again filled with teddy bears and heart-shaped boxes? I mean, it’s a little ridiculous. All right, I’m just going to come right out and say this: I am completely unromantic. Candlelight dinners? Love letters? Soft music? Flower petals in the bedroom? Blech. It all makes me want to puke a little. Now, before you go judging me and taking away my woman card, allow me to state that I was raised in a home with three older brothers, so most of my energy growing up was spent climbing trees to avoid getting wedgies and swirlies rather than dating and flowers and romance. Not to mention that I was completely aware that any boy I had any sort of romantic feelings for would, most likely, end up getting grilled and subsequently tortured by my older brothers, so I avoided the situation altogether. And, one more confession: Although I try my best to be one of those ‘cool’ girls who claims to not care at all if I get anything at all on Valentine’s Day, part of me always feels a tiny tinge of disappointment when the day passes without so much as an ass pat and a Hershey’s Kiss. I’m not proud. But, like I stated up there, I’m not big on the huge showy bouquet of flowers, because let’s face it, that’s just not very practical. Who wants to spend perfectly good burrito money on overpriced flowers that are just going to end up dried up and in my trash can? Not to mention the fact that it could potentially be a fire hazard, it’s just not smart. Think of the burritos, guys. Ok, now that I’ve talked some sense into you, following please find a compilation of gifts that girls who were raised barefoot and running through creek beds may enjoy:
Before you get too excited, I don’t mean a massage by you. Unless you’re really good and promise not to focus too much on the boob region, because then I just feel dirty and used, not relaxed and delightfully kneaded like yeasty bread dough. Maybe ‘yeasty’ was a bad word to use here. Anyway… I’ve only had one massage in my life, and although I was wary of being naked with a stranger at first, approximately three minutes in, I was ready to let that strong-handed lady do whatever she wanted to me. Trust me, this gift would get you thoroughly rewarded.
Big-Ass Bottle Of Jack
Doesn’t sound very Valentine’s Day-like, but where I come from, you can’t go wrong with whiskey. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Well.. Not really. I mean, the bottle runs out pretty quickly. Whatever. Let’s not get technical here.
Heart-Shaped Lou Malnati’s Pizza
Actually, screw the heart-shaped shit, just gimme the pizza. No sausage. Your sausage does not belong on my Valentine’s pizza, asshole. I apologize if I sounded combative there. I have strong feelings about this.
Because… Duh. IT’S A PUPPY!!! Sorry… I get excited about stuff.
Original Dirty Limerick
They make me laugh. Especially if you can rhyme something with ‘vagina’, because that’d be pretty impressive.
Fabulous Boots And/Or Diamonds
Because I am small part real girl, and we like shoes and sparkly shit.
Holding The Door Open And Telling Me I’m Pretty, Then Buying Me Lots Of Martinis
That one is self-explanatory.
I hope you’ve all taken notes here. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me at any point prior to the Hallmark holiday. I’m always here to help. Especially if you have the Jack.