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Tag Archives: friendship

Why Friends Are Better Than Dates

I haven’t written anything in a while, I know. I haven’t really been inspired. You ever get like that? Like, you WANT to write something. You know you have decent grammar skills and are mildly amusing in spurts. But there’s just nothin’? Yeah. That. Anyway, after my recent dumpage, (See a couple blogs back. Some dumbass dumped me. Pfft. Whatevs. He may have briefly hurt me, but he’ll never take my Chunky Monkey.) I told myself I was taking a long dating hiatus to focus on my upcoming 10 mile run from hell. However, I got these new glasses that make me look all sexy librarian-like, and ever since, I’m beating dudes off with a stick. I probably shouldn’t have used ‘beating’ and ‘off’ in the same sentence regarding dating, but whatever. You know what I meant. So, I’ve been doing a smattering of flirting and such, which I guess is what single chicks are supposed to do, and just the other day, I was discussing a recent potential date with my friend Donna. Donna is a great friend. I think she gets pissed at me because I complain to her I’m fat all the time, but that I really want a cheeseburger, and somehow she puts up with my rants, and then says that she’s just done with me. It’s much less harsh than it sounds. Anyway, I thought I’d share one of our recent conversations, because it’s definitely share-worthy:

Me: “He used the wrong ‘your’, and you know how I feel about that.”

Donna: “Paula, some people are just better in person than in messages. You should give him a chance.”

Me: “I don’t know. He seems like he may ok. But he called me ‘babe’ in his last message to me. Like, who does that? Babe? Who says that? It reminds me of some male chauvinist dude with gold chains and an overabundance of chest hair.”

Donna: “I don’t mind ‘babe’. I mean, it’s better than ‘cunt’ or something.”

Gotta admit, she has a point.

And this, people, is why friends are better than dates.

I rest my case.

The End

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Posted by on March 27, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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What The Hell’s A Schnitzel With Noodles Anyway?

I have a confession to make. I’m a Christmas asshole.

Don’t get me wrong here, it’s my favorite time of the year. (That totally rhymed, and I didn’t even mean it to. Look at me, all poetic and shit. Moving along now. Tangent. Sorry.) I love the entire feel of the season; The warmth, love, family, Christmas movies, claymation Rudolph, cookies, eggnog, getting drunk and fat, yada yada yada. But every year I get Christmas cards from friends, some even handmade with love, and the result is a tinge of warmth followed by overwhelming Christmas guilt. Like, ‘Holy shit this person went out of their way to pick out a card, slap a stamp on it, trek out in the freezing cold to mail it, all for me, and here I sit, licking cookie crumbs off a computer keyboard’ guilt. Not that I really lick crumbs off a keyboard. OK, maybe I just did. Whatever. Don’t judge me. Anyhoo… As horrible as they make me feel as a person, I applaud these friends. The whole Christmas card deal seems like something I should get on board with. I mean, I’m a nice person. I like to think I go out of my way for people, more so than most. But the thought of collecting addresses, having to write heartfelt greetings with my poor, crippled carpal-tunnel-stricken hand (insert pathetic violin music here), purchasing stamps (Like, do people really do that anymore?) is, frankly, exhausting just to think about. So not only am I a Christmas asshole, I am a very lazy Christmas asshole.

So, to everyone who’s sent me a Christmas card this year, I’d like to apologize for my Christmas assholiness, and offer you this super creepy Santa:

heywood_santa

Ho. Ho. Effin’ Ho.

 
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Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Humor

 

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Paula In The Country Goes To The City

Many, many moons ago, when I was just a bright-eyed 20-something, I worked and lived in the great city of Chicago. Although I don’t think I could live there now, seeing as how even the slightest bit of traffic puts me into a mild road rage, I do miss it sometimes. I miss the life- How there was always something happening, all the diversity and restaurants and activity that you just don’t get in the far western ‘burbs. *Sigh* In my ideal world, I would love to have a big old Victorian house in the country, and a party condo near the lake. Someone hurry up and find me a sugar daddy, would you? Anyway, to get to the point of today’s blog, tonight I’m going to a city friend/ex-coworker deep dish pizza party. Even now, just thinking about it puts a smile on my face. These friends are the type of friends that I don’t talk to every day, rarely see, but are lifetime friends. I could not talk to them for years, but know, without question, that should anything ever happen to me, these people would have my back in a heartbeat without even blinking an eye. And that any chance we do have to get together is always going to be an obscene amount of fun. These are great friends. And I am one hell of a lucky girl to have them. Also, we get very drunk and I fall backwards into bathtubs sometimes, but that’s pretty normal, right? Just say yes.

Side note: I get pizza! Pequod’s, to be exact. I firmly believe this is the greatest pizza in the city of Chicago. There’s caramelized cheese involved. Don’t question it. Just try it.

 
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Posted by on May 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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