In today’s edition of fun with online dating, we have who I refer to only as ‘the one who got away’.
They always run at the first mention of the word ‘laundry’
You guys know what’s hard? I mean, besides folding a fitted sheet, and playing Sudoku? (Seriously, does anyone really know how to play that game? I don’t buy it.) It’s dating. Especially dating at 39, particularly when you’ve never been married. It’s automatically assumed that you’re horribly disfigured or have a psychotic streak. Which I do not, unless you count the one time I stuck an entire box of donut holes up a guy’s tailpipe. I regret nothing. Except that I wasted some perfectly good donut holes. Anyhooooooo… As I was saying; There was a time when I would wallow in a pool of self-pity, fielding poorly penned messages from these so-called ‘gentlemen’ in my dating pool. But one day I realized, “P-Dawg!” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “What’s the hell’s the point of feeling sorry for yourself? That is dumb.”. I’m pretty wise when I talk to myself. That was the day I decided to have fun with these dudes. So here, I present to you, the first edition of Paula In The Country’s Fun With Online Dating!
It’s pretty exciting stuff. Trust me.
Here we go!
I like to call this one ‘Mr. Romantic And Slightly Creepy’.
I actually did make a walrus face at my dog. Didn’t even make that up.
After I was snubbed yet again as a nominee for this year’s Daytime Emmy Awards, it occurred to me that perhaps I should start my OWN daytime award show. I will call them The Paulas, because clearly, I’m super original. As originator of The Paula, naturally, I will only include categories which I would surely win. They are as follows:
Best Accidental Use Of Oragel As Toothpaste
Because hellooo… at 5:00am, a tube is a tube. Someone should really mark them more clearly.
Best Performance In Lathering To The Beat Of ‘Love Shack’ While Shampooing
Tiiiiiiiiin roof! Rusted.
Best Use Of A Loofah As A Microphone
It’s not just for ass exfoliation any more.
Best Accidental Twerk While Tripping Down Stairs
Stairs are hard.
Best Use Of Restraint In Not Swearing Out Loud While Answering The Gas Pump’s 84,000 Questions
FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT WANT A CAR WASH.
Best Overuse Of Free Workplace French Vanilla Coffee Creamer
If I could get away with pumping the entire contents directly into my mouth, I would.
Best Furrowed Brow Facial Expression While Pretending To Work
No… Uhh… I wasn’t looking at baby goat videos… (Tee hee, they’re just so cute, though.)
Most Runs To The Bathroom To Keep From Having To Listen To Annoying Coworkers
Sometimes, you just gotta be one with the toilet to keep from choking someone. Write that down.
Best Car Dance Performance Which Ends Abruptly When Next To Someone At A Stoplight
Oh… Hey, hot dude next to me… No, I wasn’t just rocking out to Hall & Oates… But, perhaps you DO make-a my dreams come true. You-ooh, you-ooh.
And last, but most certainly not least:
Best Use Of Jerk-Off Motion While Talking On Phone
Because seriously… I have e-mail for a reason, folks. Duh.
Now I must go, because I’m sure Vera Wong or Dolce & Yo Gabba Gabba want to design me a gown or something.
Tonight, as I was taking a leisurely walk with my dog in the sunshine after work, I came across a young man whom I’ve never seen before, and was inspired to write the following:
Oh, strange stoner dude,
Changing your tire in front of my house.
Sorry my dog stuck his nose in your buttcrack.
But you really had it comin’.
Get lost, freak.
Pull up your pants.
This has been your introduction to Paula In The Country’s deep, meaningful poetry.
It occurred to me today, as I was participating in the time-suck we call Facebook, that there are a whole lot of cranky people out there. Frankly, I find it disturbing. Sure, I suppose our natural tendency as humans is to complain about stuff, and I’ll admit that I’m guilty of it myself on occasion. Usually at work after a night of insomnia and a morning of dealing with bad people. But as a whole, I really try to be happy, and positive, and cheerful, and annoying as crap, and to not take one single tiny thing for granted, and to say really dumb stuff to try to make people laugh, even if it’s just for a second, because a second of laughter is so much better than a second of being all frowny. Write this shit down. I’m spewing wisdom here. Someone should really consider carving my head into a mountain or something. I’m gonna get on that. You guys know any good mountain carvers? If so, hook me up. Anyway, right now, I’m going to share all the things that are making me extremely happy right at this very moment, because complaining is dumb.
1. I’m eating a pork chop with my hands like some sort of caveperson, and messy eating is just fun.
2. I got carded for wine today. 38 years old, what? Not me.
3. I have no bra on, and my boobs are like, “Ahhhhhhh.”.
4. There is sunshine on my big toe, which is greatly in need of a pedicure, which I may just have to do this weekend.
5. My little dog just sneezed a bit of pork chop on my leg, and that made me laugh.
6. I spy a bottle of Sweet Red with my name on it over there on the counter.
7. Nothing hurts. Not even the mysterious intermittent right buttcheek pain I’ve been experiencing the past day. Don’t ask me what that’s all about.
8. Spring flowers I bought last Sunday are still as fresh as the day I bought them, and brightening my dining room table.
9. All the bills sitting next to my computer are paid, and I even have money left over for some new Dr. Pepper flavored lip balm or somethin’.
10. I have a date with a very nice comic book artist next weekend, and he’s promised me the best cheeseburger in Chicago. I have high hopes for this burger. And for the date, I guess.
11. My family is all alive and well and crazy and all mine.
12. Imagine Dragons ‘On Top Of The World’ playing on my iPod, and it just makes me smile.
13. I don’t have to do a damn thing for the next 6 hours except plop my booty on the couch and watch a chick flick while drinking wine.
14. Life is just good.
There you have it, folks. If I haven’t sufficiently annoyed you with my happiness, then you’re probably just a robot. I’ll try harder next time. For now, though, it’s Wine Thirty. Pants are comin’ off, TV’s goin’ on. Do not disturb.
Well, it’s that time again, folks! No, I’m not talking about Valentine’s Day, although, less than one week until giant Hershey’s Kisses go on clearance! Woot! Anyway, what I meant was that it’s time for another edition of Quotes From The Lumber Yard! I know, I know… It’s been a while. But this Polar Vortex shit really takes a toll on us in the lumber business, and, to be honest, most of our sentences involve, “Holy shit, it’s cold.”, or just a Chewbacca/Sasquatch-like series of painful-sounding grunts. But I did manage to scrape together a few quotes somehow, even though my coworkers are now privy to the fact that this blog exists, and are seemingly in some sort of competition to make it into my blog. “Paula, did you hear that?! Write that down! Write that down!” *Sigh* Thankfully, there is no swimsuit competition involved, because nobody wants to see that. Trust me. Anyway… On to the quotes!
“He had trouble with the damn thing going up and staying up.”
It’s perfectly normal for a man your age.
“The chips they put behind our ears allow us to get 50 yards away before the dogs get us.”
This blog is a cry for help. Someone come save us. Katniss! Peeta!
“You have my permission to violate my locker.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I enjoy a good locker violation during work hours.
” “Ah, I’ve done many things myself…”, he reminisced fondly.”
Just walk away, Paula. Walk. Away.
“You gave birth! That thing’s HUGE!”
I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies!
“That can’s gonna freeze on your lips!”
The Polar Vortex: Freezing cans to lips since early 2014.
“What’s a cornjerker look like?”
I’d actually kind of like to know the answer to this one.
“Do you have something you want me to jump on?”
Not something you want to hear at work, unless there’s a jumpy castle around. Which would actually be pretty cool. I should bring that up at the next meeting.
“That’s a good-sized unit.”
Thanks… I, uhhh, just had it stuffed?
“Some of ’em are loose, and some of ’em aren’t.”
Also describes my graduating class, actually.
“He has a problem with his explosion. There’s a delay there.”
Again… It’s perfectly normal.
This is starting to reaffirm that fact that although it gets stressful at times, and it’s certainly not glamorous, I really, really love my job. Or at least my coworkers, without whom this blog would not be possible. It also reaffirms the fact that I may be a 12 year old boy trapped inside a 38 year old woman. Whatevs.
Ha ha… I said ‘unit’ up there.
I was thinking to myself today, “P-Dawg…” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “… Should the Zombie Apocalypse occur, what kind of gourmet meals could you whip up on a budget of $0 and a good mini-mart ransacking?”. I mean, I think we all have this thought at some point, don’t we? Duh. So, to save you all time, I’ve done the leg work for you. Good thing I’m thinking ahead, too, because if I get my leg chomped by a zombie, I won’t be able to do leg work any more at all.
One thing of utmost importance, before I go any further, is that a can opener is crucial to try to keep handy, because not only is it essential in many post-Apocalyptic recipes, it’s also good for use in striking a deadly blow to a zombie’s head. Dual purpose items will come in very handy during the Zombie Apocalypse, I imagine.
1.) Pop Tart Peanut Butter Balls
I know you may be thinking… Why would you mess with a perfectly good Pop Tart? But trust me. After a few days of the same old boring zombie killing and Pop Tart eating, you’re going to want to shake up that breakfast a little. All you need is a handful of peanut butter (crunchy or creamy, whatever your preference, or whichever you’re able to pry out of the nearest cold, dead hands), a Pop Tart, smash ’em together, and shape into smooshy Apocalypse balls. If you’re REALLY feeling wacky, feel free to roll in Captain Crunch crumbs, just for sugar shits n’ giggles.
2.) Sweet N’ Sour Spam
I don’t know about you, but I love recipes with an N’, because let’s face it, they’re just fun. And who doesn’t enjoy a good can of Spam? I know I do! All you’ll need is a can of Spam (either cut into chunks if you can obtain a knife, or ripped apart with your bare hands like a Spam savage), a can of pineapple chunks, some brown sugar, water, a saucepan or garbage can lid, and fire. Throw the ingredients together, and simmer until hot. If you’re afraid the fire will draw zombies, it’s perfectly acceptable to eat this cold. After all, it’s the Apocalypse. Beggars can’t be choosers. Yeesh. So high maintenance.
3.) Beef Jerky With A Goober Grape Glaze
You don’t even need a can opener for this one! Just pop open that can of Goober Grape, smear that jerky with a good Goober Grape coating, and enjoy.
4.) Beefaron-Its! Casserole
After a hard day of fighting zombies, you’re going to be hungry for something hearty. Not only does this fit the bill, but it’s also super simple to make. Just crumble the crap out of those Cheez-Its, mix with the Beefaroni, and you’ve got yourself a Chef OHBOYardee! masterpiece fit for any zombie-bludgeoning warrior.
5.) Twinkie Trifle
No Zombie Apocalypse would be complete without dessert, or the scariest of spongy pastries… The Twinkie. This one is very simple. All you need is Twinkies, Magic Shell, Marshmallow Fluff, and Frosted Flakes. Find the nearest semi-clean container, layer the ingredients, and Voila! Apocalypse-friendly dessert for a crowd!
Stay tuned for what I have in store for you next week: Apocalyptic cocktails! Just because there’s an Apocalypse doesn’t mean we can’t raise a martini glass, and our pinkies. I mean, unless our pinkies have been bitten off. Let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.