Tag Archives: friends

Why Friends Are Better Than Dates

I haven’t written anything in a while, I know. I haven’t really been inspired. You ever get like that? Like, you WANT to write something. You know you have decent grammar skills and are mildly amusing in spurts. But there’s just nothin’? Yeah. That. Anyway, after my recent dumpage, (See a couple blogs back. Some dumbass dumped me. Pfft. Whatevs. He may have briefly hurt me, but he’ll never take my Chunky Monkey.) I told myself I was taking a long dating hiatus to focus on my upcoming 10 mile run from hell. However, I got these new glasses that make me look all sexy librarian-like, and ever since, I’m beating dudes off with a stick. I probably shouldn’t have used ‘beating’ and ‘off’ in the same sentence regarding dating, but whatever. You know what I meant. So, I’ve been doing a smattering of flirting and such, which I guess is what single chicks are supposed to do, and just the other day, I was discussing a recent potential date with my friend Donna. Donna is a great friend. I think she gets pissed at me because I complain to her I’m fat all the time, but that I really want a cheeseburger, and somehow she puts up with my rants, and then says that she’s just done with me. It’s much less harsh than it sounds. Anyway, I thought I’d share one of our recent conversations, because it’s definitely share-worthy:

Me: “He used the wrong ‘your’, and you know how I feel about that.”

Donna: “Paula, some people are just better in person than in messages. You should give him a chance.”

Me: “I don’t know. He seems like he may ok. But he called me ‘babe’ in his last message to me. Like, who does that? Babe? Who says that? It reminds me of some male chauvinist dude with gold chains and an overabundance of chest hair.”

Donna: “I don’t mind ‘babe’. I mean, it’s better than ‘cunt’ or something.”

Gotta admit, she has a point.

And this, people, is why friends are better than dates.

I rest my case.

The End


Posted by on March 27, 2014 in Humor, Life


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My Songs Don’t Really Want To Know What You Did In The Dark

Weird thing about music; How a particular song can make you immediately leave the present and go back to a different time and place. This happened to me while driving home from work one day last week, and it got me to thinking about what songs really sort of define moments in my life. Some of them make me cry, but most of them just make me smile, and think about all those years that have passed that have made me exactly who I am today. That shit makes me kinda happy. So here they are, folks, in no particular order:

The Superbowl Shuffle by The Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew

I couldn’t find a decent video of this one, but I couldn’t not include it here. You all know it anyway. If you don’t, you really should. The 1985 Chicago Bears were kind of the shit. This song always takes me back to the basement of my childhood home, singing it over and over with my older brothers. I can’t remember who they were, but I was the Punky QB known as McMahon. Duh. Because I look just like him.

Jump by The Pointer Sisters

Singing this song repeatedly while using a hairbrush microphone is how I discovered I wanted to grow up to be a black lady singer.

Manic Monday by The Bangles

You can’t be a girl who’s grown up in the 80’s without having loved The Bangles. When this song comes on, I’m 12 years old again, jumping on a mini trampoline at my friend’s house, a game of Q-Bert paused on the Atari, and empty bowls with remnants of ice cream with Diet Pepsi poured over it. Because we were healthy like that.

Jump! by Van Halen

Times were so much simpler before David Lee Roth went kinda nuts. This song was #1 for, from what I recall, approximately 86 weeks in a row, and every week my brothers and I would sit by the radio in our family room, and wait for Kasey Kasem to announce that it was again the #1 song in the country. Then we’d all go David Lee Roth air guitar. We were pretty good air guitarists, too, I gotta say.

Mack The Knife by Bobby Darin

I’m at my oldest brother’s wedding reception, and I can’t even tell you what year it was. All I remember was a horrible giant pink bridesmaid dress, and I was acting like a teenage asshole because I didn’t get to ride in the limo. The only other thing I remember is watching my mom and dad dancing to this song. For a couple of old farts, they could really dance. This may be one of my favorite memories of all time.

Lighters by Bad Meets Evil

This song lost its appeal for me after I heard it approximately 86,432 times on the radio, but it still always takes me back just a few years to one of my top five best birthdays of all time. I spent all day lounging at the beach, then had one of the best and most memorable dates of my life. Rooftop bar, Cajun potato salad, Absolut Orient Apple, and a nice boy wearing plaid shorts, who I have since then called many a man-hating name, but who has, oddly, become someone I consider a great friend.

No, No, No by Destiny’s Child

I’m on the dance floor at a local bar called Mark’s with my friend Janet, in a shirt that shows off far too much of my young 20-something chubby belly and freshly pierced belly button, which I did myself with a sewing needle in my parent’s bathroom because I thought I was badass, and I’m dancing like an idiot, attempting to get the attention of the DJ, who I worshipped from afar. It also reminds me of 2am trips to Denny’s, car dancing, and also, one unfortunate White Russian bad cream incident. I may or may not have Exorcist-like bad cream vomited on myself.

Watch The Wind Blow By by Tim McGraw

This was going to be my wedding song. Yep, Paula In The Country could’ve actually been Married Mom In The Country right now, but life sometimes takes unexpected turns. Luckily, the man who was my fiance has ended up instead being like a best friend/brother to me, and I’m grateful to still have him in my life every single day. All right, enough mushy shit, guys. Knock that off.

You Dropped A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band

Whenever I hear this, I think of my oldest brother in his Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo phase, breakdancing in our family room. I thought he and his friend Hilbert were the coolest people ever as they were attempting to spin on their backs on bad orange-ish carpeting. I’ve since raised my ‘cool’ standards by a lot.

Ho Hey by The Lumineers

My most recent memory, and yet another story about a boy. The song turned out to be better than the guy, but this will forever remind me of drinking martinis and sitting across from someone I thought could be ‘the one’. Mostly, it reminds me of how amazing those first few weeks of falling for someone can be, and how that shit should really last longer.

Why Don’t We Get Drunk by Jimmy Buffett

Summer of 1993. Post-high school graduation. I was shy and quiet, but hung out with a group of rowdy drunken bastards, all of whom I still love dearly. A lot of Cardinal Puff, a lot of Jimmy Buffett, and a lot of REO Speedwagon happened that summer. Side note: Once a Cardinal, always a Cardinal.

Pump Up The Volume by MARRS

This takes me back to watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve when I was probably about 12 or so. My parents used to go out and leave me at home alone with my older brothers. Let me just say, for anyone who has children and is considering leaving boys in charge: Don’t do it. Peppermint Schnapps and ballet dancing in the kitchen may have happened. I turned out perfectly ok, though. Right? Just go with it.

Everybody’s Free (To Wear Suncreen) by Baz Luhrman

This probably reminds a lot of people of their high school graduation. However, since it came out around 1997 or so, which is 4 years after I graduated, it actually takes me back to New Year’s Eve of 1998. I’d been sick, but wanted to go out anyway because it was New Year’s Eve, damn it! I was also young and stupid. I drank too much, don’t know how I got home, and woke up on New Year’s morning with this song playing on my radio. While listening to Baz Luhrman’s words of wisdom, I got out of bed and immediately passed out and crushed a wicker garbage can with my giant ass.

Ah… Ass-crushing memories.

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Posted by on January 26, 2014 in Humor, Life, Music


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Eggnog and Kegels

Last night I got together with some of my oldest and greatest friends, and naturally, as is the norm at most holiday gatherings, the conversation quickly turned to Kegels. I’m not sure how this conversation started, but it got me to thinking… What exactly IS a Kegel, and should I be doing them? I mean, I have reached the age where doing jumping jacks is definitely a bit of a risk if I really have to pee. Maybe I should look into this. So… I Googled ‘Kegels’. Kegel Google? Say that ten times fast. Anyhoo… I thought I’d share my findings, because, you know, we’ve already established that I like to be helpful. I’m a giver, what can I say?

Paula In The Country’s Guide To Kegel Exercises

1. The first challenge is finding the right muscle. Apparently this takes a lot of diligence. So buckle down and prepare to find those pelvic floor muscles. Take deep breaths. Concentrate. And stop peeing mid-stream. (Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I tend to take in a lot of fluids each day, mostly in the form of Coke Zero and Fireball Whiskey, so stopping midstream could be a challenge for me. I haven’t tried it yet. I’ll let you know how it goes later.)

2. Once you’ve mastered the art of midstream pee stoppage, congratulations! You are now ready to perfect that pelvic muscle strengthening technique. First, you must finish peeing. This is important, because it’s hard to perfect the technique while sitting on the toilet. Then, lie flat on your back. You should be used to that position. Ha! Just kidding. I’m sure you’re all not slutty at all. Anyway… contract those muscles like your pelvic region is a Hoover trying to suck a ping pong ball up for five seconds. Then, shoot that ball right back out. Continue playing pelvic ping pong until you work your way up to a full 10 second ping pong play.

3. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!! Don’t flex your butt. Don’t fart. Don’t itch anything. Just breathe and suck, breathe and suck.

4. Repeat three times a day, and soon your pelvic floor muscles will be like Arnold Schwarzenegger. But not old, fat Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like, Terminator Schwarzenegger.

Now that I’ve equipped you with all of this insight, I trust everyone will have strong pelvic floor muscles in no time. Now go. Go forth and Kegel.

Remember… Breathe and suck, breathe and suck.

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Posted by on December 8, 2013 in Humor


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Candy Crush Cult

I’m pretty sure I’m losing friends because I refuse to participate in Candy Crush Saga. I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I am just not a game person. Never have been. Not since the Q-Bert era, anyway. I get game anxiety. I’m afraid of game failure. I think it may stem from when I was a child playing Operation, and every time I tried to extract his tiny little leg bone and failed, my brother would give me a giant wedgie. It still haunts me. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, weeping and frantically pulling my drawers out’ my ass crack. Hang on… I need a moment…

Ok, I’m back. That was emotional for me. Back to my original thought…

I feel as if my friends’ lives are being taken over with this game, and because I’m a Non-Crusher, I’m some kind of outcast. I want in, damn it! But then again, I really don’t. It’s a double-edged sword, I tell ya. If they’d start making Candy Crush Saga like Pitfall, and put in some alligators eating dudes and shit, I’d be in. Until then… Screw you, Candy Crushers. Hell no, I won’t go!

But… please come back to me.

I miss you.

Love me.


Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Humor, Uncategorized


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