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A Letter To My Big Bro, At Thanksgiving

Dear Jonathan Arthur,

Well, this year will be our first Thanksgiving since you died. And it sucks. I mean, it doesn’t suck- You know how much I love Thanksgiving because I get to hang out with my favorite family ever, AND stuff my face and drink all day long. That stuff’s all still pretty cool. It just really, really sucks that you’re not here to pile your plate with food and then clog my toilet afterwards. Sorry I just told the world about that, but you know it’s true. We all do it. It’s cool. Thanksgiving just won’t be the same without that stuff. It’ll never be the same. I’m trying to accept that- You know, that whole ‘acceptance’ stage of grief- But I’m not sure I ever will. Sometimes if I don’t think about it, I can still sort of pretend you’re still out there somewhere, looking at boobies on the computer. But then I realize you’re not. And holy shit, it’s then that I miss you so much that it hurts. I still cry every single day for you, and every night when I go to sleep, I pray that God will let you come visit me in my dreams. With little Max. And sometimes you do. I’m thankful for that. That even if I can never see you or hear your voice when I’m awake, I get to sometimes when I sleep. It’s not the same, but hey, at least it’s somethin’. I’m also thankful that you’re fully clothed in my dreams, otherwise that’d just be freakin’ weird.

So this Thanksgiving, I’m extra thankful for all of the kickass people I still have here to share food and booze with, and I’m also thankful for all the memories I have with you, and that I got to have you as my big brother. And don’t worry, I’ll still make your disgusting turkey liver crap, even though it makes me want to vomit. Do me a favor and come party with us for a while. Knock some shit off the counter or something. And bring little Max with you. I know you guys are taking care of each other up there.

Happy Thanksgiving, big brother. I’ll eat a giant turkey leg just for you. Well… Sort of for me, too. That shit’s delicious.

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Posted by on November 24, 2014 in Cancer, Life

 

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Life: It Ain’t Just A Crappy Cereal

I’ve recently begun to pray. Not necessarily because I’m a religious person; In fact, I recall being a child and doing everything in my power, including hiding my shoes in the bathtub, to not have to go to church, and to this day, stepping foot in most churches gives me the creeps. But, in recent years, I’ve begun to realize how incredibly blessed I am, and I guess I feel like I should thank someone for my life, whether or not anyone’s up there listening. I like to think there’s someone out there, watching out for me, and laughing at my dumb ass. It seems like he/she may be listening. At 37, I feel like I’m better than I’ve ever been, and I’m becoming unafraid of doing so many things I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing 10 years ago. I’d like to think I’m getting a little help from someone out there who thinks I have some potential.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about life, and what the plan is for me. Truthfully, I have no idea. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is that I feel lucky just to be here, and I know that any second I spend being sad or angry is a second of my life that I’m never, ever getting back. So I do my best to be happy and to laugh as much as humanly possible. Do I get sad sometimes? Sure. I’m pushing 40, single, I recently lost a house to the recession, I struggle financially almost daily, I want a family more than anything, and quite honestly, I get lonely. Sometimes it gets difficult to not focus on that stuff and to occasionally throw my own pity party. But when things suck, I try to remind myself that they really don’t suck at all. Like when I’m running, and I want to fall to the ground and curl up in the fetal position, I remind myself that there’s someone somewhere who wishes they could run. When I feel lonely, I remember all my friends and amazing family, and how there are some people who have none. When my back hurts and I’m cursing my stupid crappy mattress, I remember there are people who have no bed at all. It makes me angry when I see people constantly feeling sorry for themselves, and I’d like to bonk them on the head and remind them that they woke up this morning in an amazing world full of beautiful things and possibilities. And cupcakes! So many cupcakes! I don’t think they know. We should tell them.

So many deep thoughts here. This feels so heavy. So, I will end with this:

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Posted by on May 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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