I haven’t blogged in a while, and I’m sure you’ve all been very concerned. I can assure you, I’ve had good reason. Shoveling snow, dieting, and jetsetting to tropical places, mainly. I had a very special request from a very special lady to blog. And I can’t rightly ignore a blog request, can I? That’d be like Michael Jackson ignoring a request to do ‘Billy Jean’ at a concert. I mean, if he wasn’t dead and stuff. You know what I mean.
Last week, I went on a much-needed winter getaway to Jamaica. Let me stop there and reflect for a moment…
Now that I’ve had that moment of reflection, which included looking at the snow outside my patio door and getting mildly pissed off, let me tell you what I did on my Jamaican vacation, in no particular order:
1. Jamaican Drank
Those Jamaicans really know how to booze up some Americans. From the moment you get off the airplane, it’s ‘No problem, mon, here’s a drink, which already has rum in it, but I’m gonna top it off with MORE rum. Yeah, mon! No problem, mon!”. Normally, this would be no problem, mon, except when you’ve been on an airplane and haven’t eaten since breakfast. The first day is a margarita, pina colada, some blue drink, mojito blur, with a nap, followed by more margarita, pina colada, blue drink, mojito blur, ending at a piano bar, where I’m pretty sure I made the piano player play Journey, which didn’t go well, and a young Jamaican girl in knee socks tried to teach drunk white people to dance like Jamaicans. Which also didn’t go well, from what I remember. Which ain’t much. That was Monday. Tuesday, I told myself I wouldn’t drink. That lasted until dinner. The rest of the trip pretty much went the same, except for the fact that I also remember I told a hibachi chef that his attempt at culinary fried rice art looked like a vagina.
2. Jamaican Almost Died Climbing The Dunn’s River Falls
When you sign up for this free excursion through the resort, nobody quite tells you what to expect. Suffice it to say I was not at all prepared to rock climb up a slippery, steep, rocky waterfall in nothing but a string bikini, all while being filmed for a Jamaican tourism video and being splashed and told to look like I was having fun by a strange Jamaican who, were it not for the fact I was holding on for dear life to the hand of another strange Jamaican man who was climbing the falls barefoot like some sort of Jamaican Superman, would have gotten Jamaican bitch slapped. I noticed at one point that my nipple had also made it’s way out of my bikini top. So I can now say I climbed a waterfall, and may possibly be part of a ‘Girls Gone Wild: Dunn’s River Falls’ video.
3. Jamaican Spin Class
I was very excited to have found a resort with Spin class, as I’m newly addicted. I did not anticipate, however, waking up most mornings at 7am still slightly drunk, and for the class to be in an 80 degree un-airconditioned room. But by God, I made it there every morning, and I’m pretty sure my sweat could’ve gotten a few resort-goers drunk. I didn’t understand a word that large, muscular instructor said except for “In-ten-si-TYYY, mon!”.
4. Jamaican Massage
I can’t remember the massage lady’s name, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her. Massages can be a little awkward at first, what with the whole being naked with a stranger thing. But between the sounds of the ocean, and the initial rough-yet-gentle scalp massage, I was hers. Whatever her name was. I hope she writes.
5. Jamaican Beach/Pool Sitting
This may be my favorite of the Jamaican activities. And I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’d also like to take a moment to pat myself on the back here, about the fact that although it took me 38 years to learn, I finally managed to apply the correct amount of sunscreen so as to not get burnt like a giant vacation-going lobster the first day there. Good thing, too, because between the sun soaking all moisture from my skin, and the booze making me pee out all the moisture from my insides, I may have only been a giant German raisin by the end of the trip.
Instead, I was just a fat, happy, relaxed Paula In The Country, who stole free finger sandwiches in a carefree manner from the VIP lounge at the Jamaican airport.
I’m sure everyone does that.