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Post-Holiday Wood Tales

In case you guys missed it a couple weeks ago, I still work in a lumber yard. Haven’t branched out yet. Get it? Branched? Like on a tree? Lumber? Get it? Never mind. Anyway, now that the holidays are coming to a close, and the mistletoe has been stored away in my basement in hopes that maybe Christmas of 2014 will bring someone with whom I can make out with underneath it, it’s time for the long awaited (Ok, maybe not long. Nor awaited, really. Whatever.) post-holiday edition of… You guessed it: Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard.

10. “Look, someone left their nuts sitting out there on the counter. Who does that?”
People leaving their nuts all willy-nilly like that. It’s just unsanitary is what it is.

9. “You probably did it with my dad.”
Ummm… Can you describe your dad? It’s entirely possible.

8. “He’s my snuggle buddy.”
The men I work with are surprisingly sensitive.

7. “He touched me inappropriately, so I kicked him.”
Nobody tell Corporate about this!

6. “I used to work for Jews, we never had to do this!”
Said while putting up the Christmas tree from Hell. It just made me laugh.

5. “It’s like ‘hide the pickle in the Christmas tree’.”
Apparently some of my coworkers have some questionable holiday traditions.

4. “I can do that without even having to spread ’em!”
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

3. “We haven’t even gotten into touching the meat yet.”
Yes, the holidays are a time for family, giving, and meat touching.

2. “I only like to touch things once, and then I put it away.”
Good philosophy, actually.

And, my new favorite:
1. Put your finger here, see if it can take it!”
Yeah… I got nothin’.

This concludes this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard. Stay tuned for the 2014 edition. I’m hoping next year brings less talk of touching meat.

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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Humor

 

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So… You’re Good With Wood, Huh?

I work in a lumber yard.

I know what some of you may be thinking… “But Paula, you seem so glamorous and ladylike, how can you possibly work in such a place?”. I know I may come off that way, what with my excessive use of profanity, and obsession with snack foods and booze, but it’s true. I can tell you’re taken aback. I guess that’s better than being taken afront. Ha! See what I did there? Never mind. Moving along… I bet you’re also thinking that a lumber yard is not a very interesting place to work. But I’m here to dispel this myth. You see, in addition to being fun to tell potential dates (“I bet you really know your way around wood.” Yeah… haven’t heard that one before, buddy.), working at a lumber yard can be pretty interesting if you pay attention. Which I do, to the dismay of some of my coworkers. I present to you, this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard:

10. “Are you going to mount that?”
A lot of mounting happens in the construction industry.

9. “I like a good sausage stuffing.”
Uhhhhh… *awkward silence*

8. “Beaver Moon? Sounds like a hairy stripper.”
I’m still trying to figure out what the hell a Beaver Moon is. Apparently it’s a thing. I’m scared to Google it.

7. “So I sat down on the toilet, and started seeing colors.”
Some things you just wish you could unhear.

6. “Don’t thank me yet, I just hammered you.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I always like to thank someone after a good hammering.

5. “At 10:30 every night, he just starts licking the carpet.”
Yeah… I dunno.

4. “Want me to throw on some Barry White?”
Because we’re romantic sometimes.

3. “Remember, you’re overtaken by sausage.”
Again with the sausage. These men are obsessed with their sausage. Typical.

2. “It’ll be so cold out there, it’ll be a turtle.”
…Is something you never want to hear your boss say.

And, my personal favorite…
1. “Well, it tingled, but it tingled the wrong way.”
I think this involved lotion and a massage… That’s when I walked away.

I also have bonus alcohol-fueled holiday party quotes, but I’ll save those for the next edition. Although, after this, my coworkers may be afraid to say anything around me. Especially if it involves sausage.

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2013 in Humor

 

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