In case you guys missed it a couple weeks ago, I still work in a lumber yard. Haven’t branched out yet. Get it? Branched? Like on a tree? Lumber? Get it? Never mind. Anyway, now that the holidays are coming to a close, and the mistletoe has been stored away in my basement in hopes that maybe Christmas of 2014 will bring someone with whom I can make out with underneath it, it’s time for the long awaited (Ok, maybe not long. Nor awaited, really. Whatever.) post-holiday edition of… You guessed it: Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard.
10. “Look, someone left their nuts sitting out there on the counter. Who does that?”
People leaving their nuts all willy-nilly like that. It’s just unsanitary is what it is.
9. “You probably did it with my dad.”
Ummm… Can you describe your dad? It’s entirely possible.
8. “He’s my snuggle buddy.”
The men I work with are surprisingly sensitive.
7. “He touched me inappropriately, so I kicked him.”
Nobody tell Corporate about this!
6. “I used to work for Jews, we never had to do this!”
Said while putting up the Christmas tree from Hell. It just made me laugh.
5. “It’s like ‘hide the pickle in the Christmas tree’.”
Apparently some of my coworkers have some questionable holiday traditions.
4. “I can do that without even having to spread ’em!”
3. “We haven’t even gotten into touching the meat yet.”
Yes, the holidays are a time for family, giving, and meat touching.
2. “I only like to touch things once, and then I put it away.”
Good philosophy, actually.
And, my new favorite:
1. Put your finger here, see if it can take it!”
Yeah… I got nothin’.
This concludes this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard. Stay tuned for the 2014 edition. I’m hoping next year brings less talk of touching meat.