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Top Five Recipes For The Zombie Apocalypse

I was thinking to myself today, “P-Dawg…” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “… Should the Zombie Apocalypse occur, what kind of gourmet meals could you whip up on a budget of $0 and a good mini-mart ransacking?”. I mean, I think we all have this thought at some point, don’t we? Duh. So, to save you all time, I’ve done the leg work for you. Good thing I’m thinking ahead, too, because if I get my leg chomped by a zombie, I won’t be able to do leg work any more at all.

One thing of utmost importance, before I go any further, is that a can opener is crucial to try to keep handy, because not only is it essential in many post-Apocalyptic recipes, it’s also good for use in striking a deadly blow to a zombie’s head. Dual purpose items will come in very handy during the Zombie Apocalypse, I imagine.

1.) Pop Tart Peanut Butter Balls

I know you may be thinking… Why would you mess with a perfectly good Pop Tart? But trust me. After a few days of the same old boring zombie killing and Pop Tart eating, you’re going to want to shake up that breakfast a little. All you need is a handful of peanut butter (crunchy or creamy, whatever your preference, or whichever you’re able to pry out of the nearest cold, dead hands), a Pop Tart, smash ’em together, and shape into smooshy Apocalypse balls. If you’re REALLY feeling wacky, feel free to roll in Captain Crunch crumbs, just for sugar shits n’ giggles.

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2.) Sweet N’ Sour Spam

I don’t know about you, but I love recipes with an N’, because let’s face it, they’re just fun. And who doesn’t enjoy a good can of Spam? I know I do! All you’ll need is a can of Spam (either cut into chunks if you can obtain a knife, or ripped apart with your bare hands like a Spam savage), a can of pineapple chunks, some brown sugar, water, a saucepan or garbage can lid, and fire. Throw the ingredients together, and simmer until hot. If you’re afraid the fire will draw zombies, it’s perfectly acceptable to eat this cold. After all, it’s the Apocalypse. Beggars can’t be choosers. Yeesh. So high maintenance.

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3.) Beef Jerky With A Goober Grape Glaze

You don’t even need a can opener for this one! Just pop open that can of Goober Grape, smear that jerky with a good Goober Grape coating, and enjoy.

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4.) Beefaron-Its! Casserole

After a hard day of fighting zombies, you’re going to be hungry for something hearty. Not only does this fit the bill, but it’s also super simple to make. Just crumble the crap out of those Cheez-Its, mix with the Beefaroni, and you’ve got yourself a Chef OHBOYardee! masterpiece fit for any zombie-bludgeoning warrior.

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5.) Twinkie Trifle

No Zombie Apocalypse would be complete without dessert, or the scariest of spongy pastries… The Twinkie. This one is very simple. All you need is Twinkies, Magic Shell, Marshmallow Fluff, and Frosted Flakes. Find the nearest semi-clean container, layer the ingredients, and Voila! Apocalypse-friendly dessert for a crowd!

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Stay tuned for what I have in store for you next week: Apocalyptic cocktails! Just because there’s an Apocalypse doesn’t mean we can’t raise a martini glass, and our pinkies. I mean, unless our pinkies have been bitten off. Let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.

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Posted by on January 4, 2014 in Humor, Uncategorized

 

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The Day The Keebler Elves Died (Or Something Like That)

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Today was a very traumatic day in the life of Paula In The Country. It’s a little difficult for me to talk about, but if you’ll allow me to collect myself for a  minute, I’ll try…

Aaaand… Done. Thank you.

Anyway… Today, at approximately 10:20am, I… Turned. Down. Cookies. That’s right. Cookies. FREE cookies, even. Now, some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “I turn down cookies all the time, what’s the big deal?”. Well, you people are not Paula In The Country. So zip it, you skinny bastards. Sorry I was combative there. Not really. It’s the lack of cookies. It’s making me cranky. Anyway, like I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted by skinny bastards… This does not happen to me. I always want cookies ALWAYS. If there were a Carbs Anonymous, I’d have to go at the frequency with which I go to church, at least. Actually, way more than that, since I never go to church unless there are free snacks promised. Which doesn’t happen as often as it should, frankly. I’d probably sneak in a few miniature Kit Kats or something to the Carbs Anonymous meeting, too. Also free crackers I stole from the salad bar I went to yesterday, because if I have to sit through an entire hour-long meeting, I at least need a salty snack AND dessert. I’m just sayin’. Anyhoo… I’m the girl who brings 2 grocery bags full of snacks for a  5 hour road trip, because apparently I have a deep-seated fear of my 2013 Nissan Versa breaking down in the harsh jungle of I-80 in Indiana, with rest stops and Subways approximately every 3 miles, and starving to death while trying to reach the nearest $5 footlong. I bring Tupperware to weddings so I can steal unattended dinner rolls and cake while everyone’s teary-eyed and distracted by the daddy-daughter dance. Don’t judge me. So this… This just doesn’t happen to me. So if anyone needs me, I’ll be off reevaluating my entire life, and my commitment to desserts.

I’m sorry, Keebler Elves. Please don’t do anything rash. Let me work through this. Keep on Elving… Or whatever you do in those trees.

 

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2013 in Humor

 

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