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Suck It, MyFitnessPal

Dear MyFitnessPal,

Despite your claim to be my ‘pal’, I’m afraid I’m going to have to walk away from this friendship. You see, this evening it occurred to me, that you, in fact, suck.

Before you try to object, I’ve thought this through for approximately 12 minutes, and have come up with a list of very valid reasons why:

1. I just searched for the calorie content of 10 kalamata olives and 2 cups of romaine lettuce, and that is really, really dumb.

2. I love cupcakes. They make me happy. And I don’t feel I can share with you when I eat one. Or three. Whatever. Three times the cupcakes = three times the happiness, that’s what I think.

3. When you tell me I could be 112 pounds in 2 weeks if I were to just stay unhealthily under my recommended caloric intake every single day, it’s just a lie. We all know that’s not how it works, MyFitnessPal. And frankly, if you were a person, I’d kick you in the nuts for making people think this sort of behavior is ok.

4. Sometimes I go to bed with my stomach growling because you told me I was over my limit for the day. Then I have dreams that involve me being in a hot tub full of nacho cheese. That shit’s just weird. Although, I’d probably totally do it if a hot tub full of nacho cheese presented itself to me.

5. I hide my raging martini and margarita habit from you. There. I said it. And no, I don’t want to know how many calories are in my margarita. All I need to know is that it’s delicious and that I should have more of them. You should really be more encouraging about these things.

6. I exercise. A lot. And I enjoy doing so, not just because you tell me I can have an extra 600 calories today because I took a Spin class, but because it makes me feel good. For 38 years old, I think I’m doing pretty well for myself, with the exception of some thigh jiggle I’ve been trying to get rid of for 3 years and, let’s face it, probably ain’t goin’ anywhere. I’ve accepted it. I don’t need you to.

7. Last, but not least, is that I’m just tired. Tired of scrutinizing every calorie I put in my mouth, and tired of feeling guilty if I consume one more olive than I’m supposed to. You’re just no fun, MyFitnessPal. Have some pie, you uptight bastard.

I feel like there should be three more reasons here to put things at an even ten, but I’m trying to let go of my obsessive-compulsive behavior, so screw it.

By the way, I know damn well I burn more than 200 calories in an hour of lifting weights, you asshole.

Sincerely,

Paula In The Country Drinking Wine And Not About To Search For It’s Caloric Content

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Posted by on April 4, 2014 in Diet & Exercise, Humor, Life

 

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The Osmond Vs. The Samoa

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You know what’s weird? During the holiday season, my jeans shrunk a lot. I’m pretty sure it was my new laundry detergent. Or I suppose it could’ve been the eggnog, appetizers, martinis, and desserts. Whatever. One of those. In any case, I decided that I’d had enough. I’ve always been pretty good at eating healthy, but left to my own devices, I seem to choose a healthy salad, followed by three (Or four. Five, tops.) handfuls of chips, or cake. Maybe a couple cookies. I mean, it all evens out, right? I’m all about balance. Well, turns out that thinking finally caught up to my outer thigh region. So, even though I’d pretty much like to punch Marie Osmond in her overly cheerful face every time I see a Nutrisystem commerical, I figured I’d give it a shot. What the hell, at least it’ll save me from potentially burning the house down with my cooking for a month or two.

So far, it’s been ok, other than the fact that within the first couple of days, I briefly thought about how my coworker’s hand would taste were it deep fried, or ground up into some sort of hand salad on rye with lettuce and tomato, but that was really only after he’d pissed me off for doing something stupid like speaking to me while I was hungry. So I’m down 6 pounds, feeling great… Then, today… Enter: Girl Scout Cookies. Who the hell’s bright idea was this???  I picture a boardroom meeting comprised of Girl Scouts with little green devil horns. “Let’s see… When would the best time be to start selling our crack-like cookies? I know! How about right when everyone’s chubby from holiday eating and trying to NOT feel like Jabba The Cookie-Consuming Hut!”. And then they all laugh an evil Girl Scout laugh, which I’m pretty sure probably sounds like a group of Wizard Of Oz flying monkeys. Evil little wenches.

Challenge One for the year: Resist the Thin Mints.

Challenge Two for the year: Don’t kick a Girl Scout, nor give one a piledriver outside a grocery store. At least not while their moms are watching.

I’m totally not thinking about how delicious Thin Mints are straight out of the freezer right now. Not at all.

Little green bitches.

I may have some anger about this.

 
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Posted by on January 14, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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Baby, It’s HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I NEED MORE LAYERS Outside

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Whew. What a week. I apologize for my lack of pointless blogs, dear two people who read this, but you see, I’ve been very busy doing important things, like dieting and trying not to kill anyone or gnaw their appendages off out of rage and/or hunger. In addition, as I’m sure you’re all aware, it was a very busy week of battling Polar Vortexes. Vortices? Whatever. Yeesh. Who knew a Polar Vortex could be such a giant asshole? I’d actually never heard of a Polar Vortex prior to this week, and figured that it was as good a time as any to start educating myself on these things. I mean, I was picturing, like, a giant polar bear in a wizard outfit, but it turns out I was completely off. After my hours of laborious research, here are my findings:

Persistent cyclone, troposphere, stratosphere, Equator, poles, cold core low pressure, blah blah blah…

I dunno, I got bored. Way too many words. In short, I think what it really means ‘HOLY SHIT IT’S COLD, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST STAY IN YOUR JAMMIES’.

See? Now you’re all prepared for the next one. You are welcome.

Love,

Paula In The Country

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2014 in Humor

 

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