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Liebster, Liebster, Liebster!

liebster2

 

Ok, ok… So I haven’t blogged in forever. Can I tell you all something? I’m gonna. See, I have a brother that’s pretty ill. I blogged about it a while back. I don’t talk about it a lot because, well, it’s not really a fun thing to talk about. Anyway, a lot of my energy is being expended right now on family, and I’m afraid it’s impeding both my blogging and my Tweeting. It’s a damn shame, really. You guys are missing out on some quality Paula In The Country thoughts. I’m certain you’ve all felt an emptiness inside because of it. Or not. Whatever. Anyway, I was nominated for this award thingy a long time ago, and I’m just now getting around to doin’ this thang. So… here we go:

First off, thank you, http://athenenoelle.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for such a prestigious award, just for doing nothing other than occasionally amusing myself by rambling about absurd things. I feel like just Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars, except that I’m totally way cuter. Yep. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it. And now… to answer all these questions. Whew. I’m exhausted already.

1. Do you think having to answer questions for an award is stupid? If so, proceed to the rules, and ignore the questions. You can ignore the rules too! I don’t care. I still like you just the way you are.

I don’t HAVE to answer anything. You can’t make me. You just said so right up there.

2. What color just makes you so happy, and why?

Orange. Because it is the color of carrot cake, and carrot cake makes me happy.

3. Do you have a favorite bug? Why is it your favorite?

I do not have a favorite bug. Except maybe those bugs in the movie Bugs. They were cute. In real life, though, all bugs can pretty much suck it.

4. Do you believe in reincarnation? What is your reason for your belief, and do you feel you have proof if its existence?

Maybe. I’m not really sure. It seems a little farfetched, but my brother swears he was a weed at my parents’ wedding before he was born. True story. My family is weird.

5. How do you define “infinity”? They say our universe is infinite. Can you even conceive of the infinite? I can’t, so don’t feel bad if you can’t either.

This question is requiring me to think hard way too early in the morning, so I’m moving on.

6. What do you think real love is?

Real love means I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around… Wait… That’s a Rick Astley song. Never mind.

7. What do you dream about, if you remember your dreams?

The older I get, the less I remember my dreams. My last memorable one was about mutant puppies and me giving birth to kittens, though. You know, normal stuff. I had nipples on my stomach. Whatevs.

8. Do you believe in living with someone if you’re not married, with all of that packing and trouble for a relationship that could end in a few months?

I think living with someone prior to marriage is a requirement. I ain’t gonna marry someone I know leaves a dribble of pee running down the front of the toilet daily.

9. Do you think all Muslims are evil terrorists? (I don’t). Like all extremists, I think they are a small percentage of the total population.

No, but I think those red hat ladies are.

10. Do you like your nose? If you could have a celebrity’s nose, whose would it be, and would it go with your face, aesthetically speaking?

My nostrils look like peanuts, and I have far too many blackheads, but otherwise my nose is ok. I think I’d like a nose like Jennifer Grey’s new nose, but I think it’d look odd on my big head.

11. Do you believe in God/a Creator, and if you do, do you think God is a man or a woman, or just a Presence or a Being?

I think there’s something out there, but I don’t think I’m smart enough to know what he/she/it is. I’m pretty sure he/she/it has a Samuel L. Jackson voice, though.

Shit… 11 random facts? Good Lord, this is like the SATs up in here. Here we go:

– I have three older brothers. I’m the baby, and the only girl. My parents stopped at me because they knew they had created perfection. Again, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

– I’m scared of the ocean, bridges, flying, and bees.

– I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

– One time in junior high science class, I was reading out loud and I said ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’. It still haunts me to this day.

– I used to be a fat girl in my late teens/early 20’s. Then I got real skinny, then back to semi-fat, and now I’m somewhere in between.

– Yesterday I biked 20 miles, and I feel like someone butt raped me.

– I have a dolphin tattoo on my lower back, and it is the stupidest-looking tattoo ever. Never get a tattoo when you’re 18 years old. I need to start a campaign about this so others don’t ever have to live in shame of their lower back region like I do.

– I love musicals. LOVE them. I’ve actually taken some theatre classes, and I can sing, but sadly, I cannot dance unless it’s an accidental twerk. I wish I’d taken some dance and gotten into the theatre stuff in high school, because it seems like it’s just plain fun.

– I want to go to Greece at least once before I die. I want to see the ruins, eat the food, and sleep with a hot Greek stranger.

– I was a virgin until I was 24 years old. Despite my naughty librarian appearance, I’m really a good girl. But if I ever find the right dude and fall in love, it is SO on.

Hey look, I did 11 already! That wasn’t so hard. Now for my nominees!

http://farmerfarthing.com/

http://longchaps2.wordpress.com/

http://fisticuffsandshenanigans.com/

http://thephilfactor.com/

http://restlessnightsincheaphotels.wordpress.com/

And the questions:

1. Do you prefer to blog with or without pants on?

2. Can you please tell me how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

3. Who would you run into a burning building to save?

4. Are you at all psychic?

5. Have you ever been arrested?

6. What’s your favorite decade?

7. If you could have drinks with one person, living or dead, who would it be, and why?

8. What is your favorite household appliance?

9. Do you believe in ghosts?

10. Why’s the sky blue?

11. What’s your favorite book and/or author?

I think that’s enough questions. I have to go pee.

The rules: (which, of course, are made to be broken)

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. (There’s no need, if you don’t feel like it).
  2. Display the award on your blog–by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what a “widget” or a “gadget” is. I didn’t either.)
  3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
  4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
  5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.
  6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
  7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:
  8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Now I have to figure out how to inform my nominees that they’re nominees.

Blogging is hard.

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2014 in Humor

 

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P-p-p-poke ‘er face?

Today, I got Poked.

Honestly, I’d forgotten that Poking existed. I mean sure, I Poked quite a few men (and some women, I’m not ashamed to say) back in my heyday, but I haven’t even thought about Poking for years. What exactly does Poking mean these days? Poking was considered quite a bold and overtly flirtatious move back in my day. I recall the first time I got Poked. I was so young and innocent back then. I remember messaging my friend about the cute boy who Poked me (“OMG! I done been Poked!”) (Because apparently I was from Arkansas at the time.), and wondering if it meant we were about to go steady, or perhaps spawn some tiny Paula In The Country babies. But in these modern times, with the existence of Snapchat, cleavage and penis pics, why, Poking seems like the Laura Ingalls Wilder of the virtual flirtation world. Still, it felt good to be Poked. Earlier today I had a lady drop a door on my face, and I had a guy send me a picture of himself with a cowboy hat on his penis. I’ll take a good Poke over that stuff any day.

Thank you, drive-by Poker.

Poke ya later.

 

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2013 in Humor, Social Media

 

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Take Your Twerk And Shove It

This is my first attempt at a well thought-out blog post. I’m putting my smart person hat on. It kinda looks like a sombrero. Ok, it is a sombrero. So I look like a smart person who’s ready for some margaritas, which is fitting, actually.

I’d like to use this forum to rant a little. Not about my day, not about the government shut-down, not about the fact that I just inhaled some hot giardiniera and it’s not altogether pleasant… No, this rant is about modern society, and how it pisses me off. I’m not talking about the strides we’ve made in the way of equality in regards to race, religion, and sexual orientation- I love that society, generally speaking, of course, has become far more ‘live and let live’. What I’m referring to is the age of social media, instant gratification, and the seemingly lost art of conversation and interpersonality. I wish the world were simple again, like Andy Griffith and little Ronnie Howard going fishing in Mayberry. These days, little Ronnie Howard would probably slam the door in Andy’s face and tell him to fuck off so he could play X-Box. Wait… is X-Box still a thing? Whatever. You know what I mean. I miss when people took the time to sit down to write letters and send cards to each other instead of sending a poorly spelled text and writing a two-word greeting on their Facebook wall; When a boy would nervously call a girl and ask her out; When girls didn’t have sex before they got their driver’s licenses; When people held the door open for each other simply out of common courtesy; When families sat down for dinner together and spoke to each other with kindness. I miss the simple world. I miss humanity.

You ever sit in a mall and watch people? Besides seeing the occasional cute old man sleeping on a bench while his wife shops, mostly what you’ll observe is people staring at their phones. I’ll admit that I’m guilty of it myself. I’d much rather text someone than actually speak on the phone. I Tweet, I Instagram, I Facebook, I send an e-mail over making a phone call, I panic if I forget my Smartphone at home for a day. But damn it, I wish I could stop it. I want some good old-fashioned talking and getting to know people. I love hearing people’s stories. But I’m not even sure people know how to tell them any more, and that’s a little sad.

I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know if it’s even possible. But today, I think I’ll take the time to stop and talk to a stranger. And maybe sit a spell with some sweet tea. Wait… I’m not from the South. Never mind. Can Chicagoans sit a spell? I think I should bring sittin’ a spell back. Kinda like a front porch-sittin’ Justin Timberlake. Except a chick. I don’t know, just go with it.

 

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2013 in Humor, Life

 

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