After I was snubbed yet again as a nominee for this year’s Daytime Emmy Awards, it occurred to me that perhaps I should start my OWN daytime award show. I will call them The Paulas, because clearly, I’m super original. As originator of The Paula, naturally, I will only include categories which I would surely win. They are as follows:
Best Accidental Use Of Oragel As Toothpaste
Because hellooo… at 5:00am, a tube is a tube. Someone should really mark them more clearly.
Best Performance In Lathering To The Beat Of ‘Love Shack’ While Shampooing
Tiiiiiiiiin roof! Rusted.
Best Use Of A Loofah As A Microphone
It’s not just for ass exfoliation any more.
Best Accidental Twerk While Tripping Down Stairs
Stairs are hard.
Best Use Of Restraint In Not Swearing Out Loud While Answering The Gas Pump’s 84,000 Questions
FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT WANT A CAR WASH.
Best Overuse Of Free Workplace French Vanilla Coffee Creamer
If I could get away with pumping the entire contents directly into my mouth, I would.
Best Furrowed Brow Facial Expression While Pretending To Work
No… Uhh… I wasn’t looking at baby goat videos… (Tee hee, they’re just so cute, though.)
Most Runs To The Bathroom To Keep From Having To Listen To Annoying Coworkers
Sometimes, you just gotta be one with the toilet to keep from choking someone. Write that down.
Best Car Dance Performance Which Ends Abruptly When Next To Someone At A Stoplight
Oh… Hey, hot dude next to me… No, I wasn’t just rocking out to Hall & Oates… But, perhaps you DO make-a my dreams come true. You-ooh, you-ooh.
And last, but most certainly not least:
Best Use Of Jerk-Off Motion While Talking On Phone
Because seriously… I have e-mail for a reason, folks. Duh.
Now I must go, because I’m sure Vera Wong or Dolce & Yo Gabba Gabba want to design me a gown or something.