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You Like Me! You REALLY Like Me!

After I was snubbed yet again as a nominee for this year’s Daytime Emmy Awards, it occurred to me that perhaps I should start my OWN daytime award show. I will call them The Paulas, because clearly, I’m super original. As originator of The Paula, naturally, I will only include categories which I would surely win. They are as follows:

Best Accidental Use Of Oragel As Toothpaste

Because hellooo… at 5:00am, a tube is a tube. Someone should really mark them more clearly.

Best Performance In Lathering To The Beat Of ‘Love Shack’ While Shampooing

Tiiiiiiiiin roof! Rusted.

Best Use Of A Loofah As A Microphone

It’s not just for ass exfoliation any more.

Best Accidental Twerk While Tripping Down Stairs

Stairs are hard.

Best Use Of Restraint In Not Swearing Out Loud While Answering The Gas Pump’s 84,000 Questions

FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT WANT A CAR WASH.

Best Overuse Of Free Workplace French Vanilla Coffee Creamer

If I could get away with pumping the entire contents directly into my mouth, I would.

Best Furrowed Brow Facial Expression While Pretending To Work

No… Uhh… I wasn’t looking at baby goat videos… (Tee hee, they’re just so cute, though.)

Most Runs To The Bathroom To Keep From Having To Listen To Annoying Coworkers

Sometimes, you just gotta be one with the toilet to keep from choking someone. Write that down.

Best Car Dance Performance Which Ends Abruptly When Next To Someone At A Stoplight

Oh… Hey, hot dude next to me… No, I wasn’t just rocking out to Hall & Oates… But, perhaps you DO make-a my dreams come true. You-ooh, you-ooh.

And last, but most certainly not least:

Best Use Of Jerk-Off Motion While Talking On Phone

Because seriously… I have e-mail for a reason, folks. Duh.

Now I must go, because I’m sure Vera Wong or Dolce & Yo Gabba Gabba want to design me a gown or something.

Thank you.

 

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Posted by on May 3, 2014 in Humor

 

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Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Something occurred to me today as I was sitting at my desk at work and having conversations about blueprints mating and making baby blueprints, and all of us having personal assistant Oompa Loompas….

My job is my Cheers.

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Not that we all sit around and drink all day long, although we do, admittedly, discuss it at times. Nope, it’s not like that. It’s a feeling. A feeling of belonging to a weird, funny, dysfunctional family. A feeling of kinship. Of knowing that I can say and do the dumbest shit of all time and these people will love me for it. My job is not glamorous. It’s certainly not making me rich. But I’m good at it. And I laugh more every day at the silly, random conversations we have than should really be allowed at a workplace. These people are my Sam, my Cliff, my Coach, my Diane… Although, I guess I’d be the Diane since I’m one of the few chicks there. I’m far more Carla-like, though, except with a larger ass. But you get what I mean. To some, my job could probably be seen as pointless, and as nothing special. But to me, it’s one of the most stressful, fun, and special places at which I’ve ever had the honor of spending 5 days a week.

Plus, my boss buys me vodka and stuff.

Greatest. Job. Ever.

It’d only be better with a personal assistant Oompa Loompa. I’d name mine Norm. Normpa Loompa.

Ha! See what I did there?

Never mind.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 25, 2014 in Humor

 

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Post-Holiday Wood Tales

In case you guys missed it a couple weeks ago, I still work in a lumber yard. Haven’t branched out yet. Get it? Branched? Like on a tree? Lumber? Get it? Never mind. Anyway, now that the holidays are coming to a close, and the mistletoe has been stored away in my basement in hopes that maybe Christmas of 2014 will bring someone with whom I can make out with underneath it, it’s time for the long awaited (Ok, maybe not long. Nor awaited, really. Whatever.) post-holiday edition of… You guessed it: Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard.

10. “Look, someone left their nuts sitting out there on the counter. Who does that?”
People leaving their nuts all willy-nilly like that. It’s just unsanitary is what it is.

9. “You probably did it with my dad.”
Ummm… Can you describe your dad? It’s entirely possible.

8. “He’s my snuggle buddy.”
The men I work with are surprisingly sensitive.

7. “He touched me inappropriately, so I kicked him.”
Nobody tell Corporate about this!

6. “I used to work for Jews, we never had to do this!”
Said while putting up the Christmas tree from Hell. It just made me laugh.

5. “It’s like ‘hide the pickle in the Christmas tree’.”
Apparently some of my coworkers have some questionable holiday traditions.

4. “I can do that without even having to spread ’em!”
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

3. “We haven’t even gotten into touching the meat yet.”
Yes, the holidays are a time for family, giving, and meat touching.

2. “I only like to touch things once, and then I put it away.”
Good philosophy, actually.

And, my new favorite:
1. Put your finger here, see if it can take it!”
Yeah… I got nothin’.

This concludes this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard. Stay tuned for the 2014 edition. I’m hoping next year brings less talk of touching meat.

 
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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Humor

 

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So… You’re Good With Wood, Huh?

I work in a lumber yard.

I know what some of you may be thinking… “But Paula, you seem so glamorous and ladylike, how can you possibly work in such a place?”. I know I may come off that way, what with my excessive use of profanity, and obsession with snack foods and booze, but it’s true. I can tell you’re taken aback. I guess that’s better than being taken afront. Ha! See what I did there? Never mind. Moving along… I bet you’re also thinking that a lumber yard is not a very interesting place to work. But I’m here to dispel this myth. You see, in addition to being fun to tell potential dates (“I bet you really know your way around wood.” Yeah… haven’t heard that one before, buddy.), working at a lumber yard can be pretty interesting if you pay attention. Which I do, to the dismay of some of my coworkers. I present to you, this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard:

10. “Are you going to mount that?”
A lot of mounting happens in the construction industry.

9. “I like a good sausage stuffing.”
Uhhhhh… *awkward silence*

8. “Beaver Moon? Sounds like a hairy stripper.”
I’m still trying to figure out what the hell a Beaver Moon is. Apparently it’s a thing. I’m scared to Google it.

7. “So I sat down on the toilet, and started seeing colors.”
Some things you just wish you could unhear.

6. “Don’t thank me yet, I just hammered you.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I always like to thank someone after a good hammering.

5. “At 10:30 every night, he just starts licking the carpet.”
Yeah… I dunno.

4. “Want me to throw on some Barry White?”
Because we’re romantic sometimes.

3. “Remember, you’re overtaken by sausage.”
Again with the sausage. These men are obsessed with their sausage. Typical.

2. “It’ll be so cold out there, it’ll be a turtle.”
…Is something you never want to hear your boss say.

And, my personal favorite…
1. “Well, it tingled, but it tingled the wrong way.”
I think this involved lotion and a massage… That’s when I walked away.

I also have bonus alcohol-fueled holiday party quotes, but I’ll save those for the next edition. Although, after this, my coworkers may be afraid to say anything around me. Especially if it involves sausage.

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2013 in Humor

 

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