Tag Archives: quotes

Is That A Studfinder In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?


Well, it’s that time again, folks! No, I’m not talking about Valentine’s Day, although, less than one week until giant Hershey’s Kisses go on clearance! Woot! Anyway, what I meant was that it’s time for another edition of Quotes From The Lumber Yard! I know, I know… It’s been a while. But this Polar Vortex shit really takes a toll on us in the lumber business, and, to be honest, most of our sentences involve, “Holy shit, it’s cold.”, or just a Chewbacca/Sasquatch-like series of painful-sounding grunts. But I did manage to scrape together a few quotes somehow, even though my coworkers are now privy to the fact that this blog exists, and are seemingly in some sort of competition to make it into my blog. “Paula, did you hear that?! Write that down! Write that down!” *Sigh* Thankfully, there is no swimsuit competition involved, because nobody wants to see that. Trust me. Anyway… On to the quotes!

“He had trouble with the damn thing going up and staying up.”

It’s perfectly normal for a man your age.

“The chips they put behind our ears allow us to get 50 yards away before the dogs get us.”

This blog is a cry for help. Someone come save us. Katniss! Peeta!

“You have my permission to violate my locker.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I enjoy a good locker violation during work hours.

” “Ah, I’ve done many things myself…”, he reminisced fondly.”

Just walk away, Paula. Walk. Away.

“You gave birth! That thing’s HUGE!”

I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies!

“That can’s gonna freeze on your lips!”

The Polar Vortex: Freezing cans to lips since early 2014.

“What’s a cornjerker look like?”

I’d actually kind of like to know the answer to this one.

“Do you have something you want me to jump on?”

Not something you want to hear at work, unless there’s a jumpy castle around. Which would actually be pretty cool. I should bring that up at the next meeting.

“That’s a good-sized unit.”

Thanks… I, uhhh, just had it stuffed?

“Some of ’em are loose, and some of ’em aren’t.”

Also describes my graduating class, actually.

“He has a problem with his explosion. There’s a delay there.”

Again… It’s perfectly normal.

This is starting to reaffirm that fact that although it gets stressful at times, and it’s certainly not glamorous, I really, really love my job. Or at least  my coworkers, without whom this blog would not be possible. It also reaffirms the fact that I may be a 12 year old boy trapped inside a 38 year old woman. Whatevs.

Ha ha… I said ‘unit’ up there.


Posted by on February 10, 2014 in Humor, Life


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Post-Holiday Wood Tales

In case you guys missed it a couple weeks ago, I still work in a lumber yard. Haven’t branched out yet. Get it? Branched? Like on a tree? Lumber? Get it? Never mind. Anyway, now that the holidays are coming to a close, and the mistletoe has been stored away in my basement in hopes that maybe Christmas of 2014 will bring someone with whom I can make out with underneath it, it’s time for the long awaited (Ok, maybe not long. Nor awaited, really. Whatever.) post-holiday edition of… You guessed it: Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard.

10. “Look, someone left their nuts sitting out there on the counter. Who does that?”
People leaving their nuts all willy-nilly like that. It’s just unsanitary is what it is.

9. “You probably did it with my dad.”
Ummm… Can you describe your dad? It’s entirely possible.

8. “He’s my snuggle buddy.”
The men I work with are surprisingly sensitive.

7. “He touched me inappropriately, so I kicked him.”
Nobody tell Corporate about this!

6. “I used to work for Jews, we never had to do this!”
Said while putting up the Christmas tree from Hell. It just made me laugh.

5. “It’s like ‘hide the pickle in the Christmas tree’.”
Apparently some of my coworkers have some questionable holiday traditions.

4. “I can do that without even having to spread ’em!”

3. “We haven’t even gotten into touching the meat yet.”
Yes, the holidays are a time for family, giving, and meat touching.

2. “I only like to touch things once, and then I put it away.”
Good philosophy, actually.

And, my new favorite:
1. Put your finger here, see if it can take it!”
Yeah… I got nothin’.

This concludes this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard. Stay tuned for the 2014 edition. I’m hoping next year brings less talk of touching meat.

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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Humor


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