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Tag Archives: cheeseburger

I’m Going To Annoy The Crap Out Of You Now

It occurred to me today, as I was participating in the time-suck we call Facebook, that there are a whole lot of cranky people out there. Frankly, I find it disturbing. Sure, I suppose our natural tendency as humans is to complain about stuff, and I’ll admit that I’m guilty of it Imagemyself on occasion. Usually at work after a night of insomnia and a morning of dealing with bad people. But as a whole, I really try to be happy, and positive, and cheerful, and annoying as crap, and to not take one single tiny thing for granted, and to say really dumb stuff to try to make people laugh, even if it’s just for a second, because a second of laughter is so much better than a second of being all frowny. Write this shit down. I’m spewing wisdom here. Someone should really consider carving my head into a mountain or something. I’m gonna get on that. You guys know any good mountain carvers? If so, hook me up. Anyway, right now, I’m going to share all the things that are making me extremely happy right at this very moment, because complaining is dumb.

1. I’m eating a pork chop with my hands like some sort of caveperson, and messy eating is just fun.

2. I got carded for wine today. 38 years old, what? Not me.

3. I have no bra on, and my boobs are like, “Ahhhhhhh.”.

4. There is sunshine on my big toe, which is greatly in need of a pedicure, which I may just have to do this weekend.

5. My little dog just sneezed a bit of pork chop on my leg, and that made me laugh.

6. I spy a bottle of Sweet Red with my name on it over there on the counter.

7. Nothing hurts. Not even the mysterious intermittent right buttcheek pain I’ve been experiencing the past day. Don’t ask me what that’s all about.

8. Spring flowers I bought last Sunday are still as fresh as the day I bought them, and brightening my dining room table.

9. All the bills sitting next to my computer are paid, and I even have money left over for some new Dr. Pepper flavored lip balm or somethin’.

10. I have a date with a very nice comic book artist next weekend, and he’s promised me the best cheeseburger in Chicago. I have high hopes for this burger. And for the date, I guess.

11. My family is all alive and well and crazy and all mine.

12. Imagine Dragons ‘On Top Of The World’ playing on my iPod, and it just makes me smile.

13. I don’t have to do a damn thing for the next 6 hours except plop my booty on the couch and watch a chick flick while drinking wine.

14. Life is just good.

There you have it, folks. If I haven’t sufficiently annoyed you with my happiness, then you’re probably just a robot. I’ll try harder next time. For now, though, it’s Wine Thirty. Pants are comin’ off, TV’s goin’ on. Do not disturb.

 

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20 Comments

Posted by on April 11, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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Why Friends Are Better Than Dates

I haven’t written anything in a while, I know. I haven’t really been inspired. You ever get like that? Like, you WANT to write something. You know you have decent grammar skills and are mildly amusing in spurts. But there’s just nothin’? Yeah. That. Anyway, after my recent dumpage, (See a couple blogs back. Some dumbass dumped me. Pfft. Whatevs. He may have briefly hurt me, but he’ll never take my Chunky Monkey.) I told myself I was taking a long dating hiatus to focus on my upcoming 10 mile run from hell. However, I got these new glasses that make me look all sexy librarian-like, and ever since, I’m beating dudes off with a stick. I probably shouldn’t have used ‘beating’ and ‘off’ in the same sentence regarding dating, but whatever. You know what I meant. So, I’ve been doing a smattering of flirting and such, which I guess is what single chicks are supposed to do, and just the other day, I was discussing a recent potential date with my friend Donna. Donna is a great friend. I think she gets pissed at me because I complain to her I’m fat all the time, but that I really want a cheeseburger, and somehow she puts up with my rants, and then says that she’s just done with me. It’s much less harsh than it sounds. Anyway, I thought I’d share one of our recent conversations, because it’s definitely share-worthy:

Me: “He used the wrong ‘your’, and you know how I feel about that.”

Donna: “Paula, some people are just better in person than in messages. You should give him a chance.”

Me: “I don’t know. He seems like he may ok. But he called me ‘babe’ in his last message to me. Like, who does that? Babe? Who says that? It reminds me of some male chauvinist dude with gold chains and an overabundance of chest hair.”

Donna: “I don’t mind ‘babe’. I mean, it’s better than ‘cunt’ or something.”

Gotta admit, she has a point.

And this, people, is why friends are better than dates.

I rest my case.

The End

 
10 Comments

Posted by on March 27, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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