Isn’t This Crap Supposed To Get Easier?

27 Aug

Guys, I really need to get back on top of this blogging thing. I’ve been such a slacker over the summer. All that outdoor drinking, and frying myself like a giant slab of poolside bacon. I guess I also haven’t really had much to say lately that I feel I can express effectively. So many deep thoughts about life, and love, and waffles and stuff. My mind is all over the place lately. It’s a problem. Most of all, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my brother. I sort of thought that after two months had passed since he died, I’d think about him a little less every day, but that’s ending up not being the case. I think about him all the time. I mean, when I’m not thinking about food, and the upcoming fabulous Autumn boot season. And puppies. I like puppies.

Anyway, you know what sucks about losing a brother? Besides pretty much everything? Before Jon died, I never burst into tears randomly in public. It’s a little inconvenient, since I don’t normally carry Kleenex, and it isn’t long sleeve season. Not even a sweater sleeve to wipe away surprise snot. Unacceptable, Sometimes, I really think I’m ok. I’m in a great mood. Life is good. Then out of nowhere- In the middle of the work day; At Spin class; Shopping for red meat-  It just hits me. I will never, ever see my brother again. Never hear his laugh again. Never hear him call me a giant pain in the ass again. I think back to the afternoon I went to see him in the hospital and we talked and walked and ate Frosties. I think back to his last few weeks here, taking him for a Taco Bell Mountain Dew slushie. (Don’t judge me. It’s what he wanted.) (Also, Mexican pizzas are delicious. Don’t pretend they aren’t.) I remember our last family barbecue, sitting next to him with my two other brothers, watching him scarf down a steak, and looking at him that night and thinking maybe there’d be a miracle. That maybe the doctors were wrong. I guess that’s just who I am. Even when all hope is lost, I still always keep just a little. I’m still trying to decide if that’s a good quality or a bad quality. And then, I remember his last days in the nursing home, sitting next to him as he stared off blankly, just being with him, with my hand on his arm. Then, finally, I think about how I’d give anything in the world to experience any of those moments just one more time. It’s sad the tiny moments with our loved ones that we take for granted. I’d give up everything just for one more day of having my brother tell me I’m a giant pain in the ass.

People always say this gets easier with time, but I don’t see it. I don’t feel it. Not yet. Not even a little bit. Fuckin’ cancer. You’re a dick.

Not you guys. You aren’t dicks. I was talking to cancer. You know what I meant.

I’ll write way less depressing blogs one of these days, I promise.




Posted by on August 27, 2014 in Cancer, Humor, Life


Tags: , , , , , ,

10 responses to “Isn’t This Crap Supposed To Get Easier?

  1. toni596

    August 27, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    I remember the “surprise cries” after my husband passed away. Grief counselor suggested I plan a time each day to cry, vent, scream, etc. Sounds crazy, but it worked. No more inopportune sobbing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Elizabeth

    August 27, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    So touching. Brilliant post about grief. One moment you’re laughing, then you’re crying. Very sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. La La

    August 28, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Dude, it’s gonna happen. It wears off slightly…controlled tears and such. Cancer is the worst. I’m sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Susan W

    August 28, 2014 at 11:52 am

    My heart breaks for you, Paula. It takes so long. Eventually it almost gets easier. almost. Treasure those memories. If it was possible, I would hold down cancer and help you kick the crap out of it. Then we could give it two more kicks ~ one for Jon and one for my mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Phil Taylor

    August 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    I’m with you. I’m angry at cancer and will never stop being and that’s ok. Cancer is a dick. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Btw what is the Autumn boot season?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Kathleen

    September 2, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    It does get easier everyday. Sadly, it only gets imperceptibly easier everyday. — And that answers your first (title) question. — One day . . . in a couple of years . . . You will wake up and realize it is not as bad as it was, so hang in there.

    Cancer, and the subsequent death that it causes, is the DICK that keeps on ‘dicking‘.

    Also, be warned that you will continue to think about your brother as long as you have a life, though in the future you won’t cry nearly as much, BUT, — You will think about him – every – single – time – something happens in your life and he is not present. You know, like a wedding. Or when you go to Taco Bell . . . or Wendy’s . . . . or have red meat. Or save 12 cents on mayo, or . . . Well you get the picture. (and yes, it sucks.)

    My sister died in 1969 (not the dick cancer) and I almost think of her everyday, though my life is currently in turmoil and that is part of it, but it works in reverse too. When things are going really well and you are happy, you will think how happy he would be for you. You will miss him, missing the good things, and you will miss sharing with him the awful things. Plus, all the holidays and the events where he isn’t. It DOES get easier, but it doesn’t go away. Just a heads-up. ❤

    You probably don’t even realize that this blog post includes FOUR, of the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression.

    ‘Acceptance’ (and less tears) will come. But not for a while. 😦

    Again, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kathleen

      September 2, 2014 at 6:12 pm

      PS: write all the depressing blog posts you want. We’re not going anywhere.

      Liked by 1 person

      • paulasg75

        September 22, 2014 at 11:48 pm

        I have decided to try my hand at writing something funny again. 🙂 Thanks for the kind words. Funny how perfect strangers can make your day sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. longchaps2

    September 22, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Take all the time you need, wear sunscreen, write when you’re ready, and forget when anybody thinks, let your tears go. Healing happens when it happens. We’ll be here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • paulasg75

      September 22, 2014 at 11:49 pm

      In the words of Sheryl Crow… I can’t cry any more. Well, I probably can. But not tonight. Tonight it is time for some dating adventures. There are too many not to share.

      Liked by 1 person


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