Tag Archives: martini

Life, Love, and The Pursuit Of Happiness. Or Martinis. Same Thing.

I know there’s a few people who read this thing, and if you’re one of them, I’m warning you now, I’m feeling a tad reflective, and shit could get deep here. You should walk away if you think you can’t handle it. I’ll wait.



Are they gone yet?

Thank God, I thought those people would never leave.

Anyway, as I was saying… Well, brave Paula In The Country readers who are still here, the truth is… I got dumped this week. I know it’s hard to believe. I mean, I’m practically the perfect woman. I drink, I swear, I just ate a piece of popcorn off the floor… Who doesn’t want a piece of that? But it happened. Out of the blue, too. One day it was ‘I miss you.’, and the next day it was ‘You’re a great girl, but see ya.’, which, honestly, makes me feel like I have a small idea of what it’s like to get kicked hard in the nuts now.

When things like this happen, it’s very easy to feel sorry for myself. I mean, I’m 38 years old now. Never married. I’ve had very few serious relationships. That shit can start to wear on any girl’s fragile ego. I also want a family. And let me tell ya, dating at my age is not easy. Assuming I can find a man that can actually form sentences, he either, a) Is newly on the dating scene and not ready to ‘settle’ for me, b) Has kids and doesn’t want any more, or c) Lives in a different state. All of which are not ideal for poor little Paula In The Country. But, just when I think I’m about to fall into a pit of self-pity, I remember something…

My big brother has cancer.


And I’m worried about finding a boyfriend.

Which leads me to my point, that everything is about perspective. Does it suck I’m 38 and freshly dumped? Meh. Not really. Because I’m healthy. I have a truly amazing life. I was raised in a great home with great parents who somehow instilled morals and values and kindness towards others in me, who gave me the gift of humor, and three older brothers who taught me about slasher films, and how to drink men under the table. I’m sitting here in fluffy jammies, drinking an extra-dirty martini, with a tiny Ewok dog staring at me adoringly. I have kettle corn. All of these things make me an extremely lucky girl. And maybe, when all is said and done, my goal should not be to find a man so I can start a family and a life, but rather to enjoy the road I’m taking to get there.

The long, long, long, long, long fucking road to get there.

Cheers, everyone who read this entire thing.

*Raises glass*


*Stabs self in eye with falling three olive-laden toothpick*

(Side note: Shameless plug here for my bro’s cancer fund! In case you have any spare couch change or anything. Just lick the Cheeto dust off first.)


Posted by on March 8, 2014 in Cancer, Humor, Life


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Top Five Recipes For The Zombie Apocalypse

I was thinking to myself today, “P-Dawg…” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “… Should the Zombie Apocalypse occur, what kind of gourmet meals could you whip up on a budget of $0 and a good mini-mart ransacking?”. I mean, I think we all have this thought at some point, don’t we? Duh. So, to save you all time, I’ve done the leg work for you. Good thing I’m thinking ahead, too, because if I get my leg chomped by a zombie, I won’t be able to do leg work any more at all.

One thing of utmost importance, before I go any further, is that a can opener is crucial to try to keep handy, because not only is it essential in many post-Apocalyptic recipes, it’s also good for use in striking a deadly blow to a zombie’s head. Dual purpose items will come in very handy during the Zombie Apocalypse, I imagine.

1.) Pop Tart Peanut Butter Balls

I know you may be thinking… Why would you mess with a perfectly good Pop Tart? But trust me. After a few days of the same old boring zombie killing and Pop Tart eating, you’re going to want to shake up that breakfast a little. All you need is a handful of peanut butter (crunchy or creamy, whatever your preference, or whichever you’re able to pry out of the nearest cold, dead hands), a Pop Tart, smash ’em together, and shape into smooshy Apocalypse balls. If you’re REALLY feeling wacky, feel free to roll in Captain Crunch crumbs, just for sugar shits n’ giggles.


2.) Sweet N’ Sour Spam

I don’t know about you, but I love recipes with an N’, because let’s face it, they’re just fun. And who doesn’t enjoy a good can of Spam? I know I do! All you’ll need is a can of Spam (either cut into chunks if you can obtain a knife, or ripped apart with your bare hands like a Spam savage), a can of pineapple chunks, some brown sugar, water, a saucepan or garbage can lid, and fire. Throw the ingredients together, and simmer until hot. If you’re afraid the fire will draw zombies, it’s perfectly acceptable to eat this cold. After all, it’s the Apocalypse. Beggars can’t be choosers. Yeesh. So high maintenance.


3.) Beef Jerky With A Goober Grape Glaze

You don’t even need a can opener for this one! Just pop open that can of Goober Grape, smear that jerky with a good Goober Grape coating, and enjoy.


4.) Beefaron-Its! Casserole

After a hard day of fighting zombies, you’re going to be hungry for something hearty. Not only does this fit the bill, but it’s also super simple to make. Just crumble the crap out of those Cheez-Its, mix with the Beefaroni, and you’ve got yourself a Chef OHBOYardee! masterpiece fit for any zombie-bludgeoning warrior.


5.) Twinkie Trifle

No Zombie Apocalypse would be complete without dessert, or the scariest of spongy pastries… The Twinkie. This one is very simple. All you need is Twinkies, Magic Shell, Marshmallow Fluff, and Frosted Flakes. Find the nearest semi-clean container, layer the ingredients, and Voila! Apocalypse-friendly dessert for a crowd!


Stay tuned for what I have in store for you next week: Apocalyptic cocktails! Just because there’s an Apocalypse doesn’t mean we can’t raise a martini glass, and our pinkies. I mean, unless our pinkies have been bitten off. Let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.


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Posted by on January 4, 2014 in Humor, Uncategorized


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