In today’s edition of fun with online dating, we have who I refer to only as ‘the one who got away’.
They always run at the first mention of the word ‘laundry’
You guys know what’s hard? I mean, besides folding a fitted sheet, and playing Sudoku? (Seriously, does anyone really know how to play that game? I don’t buy it.) It’s dating. Especially dating at 39, particularly when you’ve never been married. It’s automatically assumed that you’re horribly disfigured or have a psychotic streak. Which I do not, unless you count the one time I stuck an entire box of donut holes up a guy’s tailpipe. I regret nothing. Except that I wasted some perfectly good donut holes. Anyhooooooo… As I was saying; There was a time when I would wallow in a pool of self-pity, fielding poorly penned messages from these so-called ‘gentlemen’ in my dating pool. But one day I realized, “P-Dawg!” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “What’s the hell’s the point of feeling sorry for yourself? That is dumb.”. I’m pretty wise when I talk to myself. That was the day I decided to have fun with these dudes. So here, I present to you, the first edition of Paula In The Country’s Fun With Online Dating!
It’s pretty exciting stuff. Trust me.
Here we go!
I like to call this one ‘Mr. Romantic And Slightly Creepy’.
I actually did make a walrus face at my dog. Didn’t even make that up.
I haven’t written anything in a while, I know. I haven’t really been inspired. You ever get like that? Like, you WANT to write something. You know you have decent grammar skills and are mildly amusing in spurts. But there’s just nothin’? Yeah. That. Anyway, after my recent dumpage, (See a couple blogs back. Some dumbass dumped me. Pfft. Whatevs. He may have briefly hurt me, but he’ll never take my Chunky Monkey.) I told myself I was taking a long dating hiatus to focus on my upcoming 10 mile run from hell. However, I got these new glasses that make me look all sexy librarian-like, and ever since, I’m beating dudes off with a stick. I probably shouldn’t have used ‘beating’ and ‘off’ in the same sentence regarding dating, but whatever. You know what I meant. So, I’ve been doing a smattering of flirting and such, which I guess is what single chicks are supposed to do, and just the other day, I was discussing a recent potential date with my friend Donna. Donna is a great friend. I think she gets pissed at me because I complain to her I’m fat all the time, but that I really want a cheeseburger, and somehow she puts up with my rants, and then says that she’s just done with me. It’s much less harsh than it sounds. Anyway, I thought I’d share one of our recent conversations, because it’s definitely share-worthy:
Me: “He used the wrong ‘your’, and you know how I feel about that.”
Donna: “Paula, some people are just better in person than in messages. You should give him a chance.”
Me: “I don’t know. He seems like he may ok. But he called me ‘babe’ in his last message to me. Like, who does that? Babe? Who says that? It reminds me of some male chauvinist dude with gold chains and an overabundance of chest hair.”
Donna: “I don’t mind ‘babe’. I mean, it’s better than ‘cunt’ or something.”
Gotta admit, she has a point.
And this, people, is why friends are better than dates.
I rest my case.
You may have gathered by now that I’m a single girl. Shocking, I know. I mean, all this wit, this charm, this beauty, these unshaven winter legs? Anyway, since I rarely visit hot spots to scope out man meat, I’ve resorted to online dating. I suppose in this day and age, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I mean, it’s much easier getting to know people online rather than attempting to hold a whiskey-soaked conversation in a loud bar, let’s face it. I’ve met some very nice men, some not-so-nice men, and… Let’s say I’ve gotten some fairly amusing messages that make me question… Well… They make me question pretty much everything about the male psyche. I have to admit, though, I am mildly entertained by some of these dudes, and I figured I’d share some of my faves with you. All names have been omitted to protect the innocent, and the clueless.
“Hi ! Would you date a guy who wore speedos”
Seriously? I mean, I give you points for originality, dude, but… Seriously? And the answer is no. It’s just not a good look for anyone.
“yes, i was checking out your profile.. I’m not asking you to marry me nor my asking to decide on the type of cake we are to buy at our wedding. Believe it or not I have put the wedding planner on hold for now. Lol so tell me what I need to do to win a morsel of your attention? i look forward to your reply. :-)”
Good thing he didn’t ask me to marry him, because I’d have rushed right out and gotten a dress, And… A ‘morsel of my attention’? That part makes me want chocolate chip cookies, not gonna lie.
“Hi. I want to know you! You’re nerdy, have above butt, and bake. A good start. :-“
I’m still trying to figure out what an ‘above butt’ is.
“Hello. Would like to talk and get to know you, I am a down to earth guy. Can be funny at times ok most of the time. You never know what I will say after I get to know you. As I have said to friends I don’t have a filter on my mouth any more. Lol but I do know when and where to be good and watch what I say around people that don’t know me that well. Chocolate. I am looking for my best friend in life someone to go for bike rides on weekends and just get away and find that little bar that has the best cupcakes I meant meant burger. I am bad. I would have no problem going to the store and getting what ever you need. Hell I even had to take a stool sample in for my ex one time because she was to sick to go out of the house. It is part of being in a relationship you help each other out when one is down. I hope I did better than just one word that you have been getting. Pie so I do hope to maybe talk and get to know you better. All that I ask is for honesty if you are honest with me I will be the same with you. You can ask me anything you want and I will tell you the truth.”
It’s like a train wreck… I want to stop reading, but I just can’t.
“Hey im 18 5’5 135Ibs white 🙂 Want to chat and see what happens? Maybe meetup sometime? Gotta be discreet tho:)”
Yeah, have your mom drop you off at my place. Make sure she packs you a lunch.
“I love you”
A little too soon, pal. Just a tad.
“Hii 🙂 **high five** I know I know im 26 buuutt I would love to get know you”
If you’re virtually high-fiving me, should I expect our date to involve the nearest Taco Bell and some video games?
And, my personal favorite…
“Can I massage your feet”
Couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, folks. Actually, I could use a good foot massage. Maybe I should rethink that one.
I’m a single girl, it’s Friday night, and you know what that means….
That’s right… Texas Chainsaw Massacre and microwave popcorn.
You see, the thing that disturbs me the most about this is how content with it I am. I find it a little unnerving that I’d rather spend a Friday night on my couch than make an attempt to find a date. The older I get, the more difficult dating seems to become. In my experience, at 37 years old, the men I’ve found to be interested in me can be categorized as follows:
1. The 20-Something Cougar Seeker. Pickup lines include: “You into one night stands?”, “Can you teach me some things?”, and, my personal favorite, “I’ll be your slave.”
2. The Newly Divorced Guy Who Wants To Play Around. Mr. ‘I suppose you’ll do for now, but I’m newly single and don’t really want a real relationship, but I don’t want to tell you that, because I’d like to get in your pants, but if I meet someone better, I’ll just disappear for a while, but I may be back later if things with this other girl go bad’.
3. The 50+ Dude Trying To Nail A Younger Broad. Self-Explanatory.
4. The Clinger. One to two dates mean I’m his new girlfriend and potential bride. Which, in all reality, were I to meet the right person, wouldn’t be that horrible. But spending a few hours sharing some nachos and a couple rum & Cokes does not warrant a text the following day asking if me I miss you. Because it’s fairly likely that I miss the nachos more.
And… Yep. That pretty much sums up my dating life. But, no matter how bad it gets, I will forever hold out hope that the one for me is out there somewhere, maybe home on a Friday night writing a blog about someday meeting a girl exactly like me. And hopefully someday, our paths with cross, and we’ll be spending Friday nights watching horror movies together. He better keep his grubby hands off my popcorn if he wants to keep all of his fingers, though, the filthy bastard.