The Day The Keebler Elves Died (Or Something Like That)

23 Dec


Today was a very traumatic day in the life of Paula In The Country. It’s a little difficult for me to talk about, but if you’ll allow me to collect myself for a  minute, I’ll try…

Aaaand… Done. Thank you.

Anyway… Today, at approximately 10:20am, I… Turned. Down. Cookies. That’s right. Cookies. FREE cookies, even. Now, some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “I turn down cookies all the time, what’s the big deal?”. Well, you people are not Paula In The Country. So zip it, you skinny bastards. Sorry I was combative there. Not really. It’s the lack of cookies. It’s making me cranky. Anyway, like I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted by skinny bastards… This does not happen to me. I always want cookies ALWAYS. If there were a Carbs Anonymous, I’d have to go at the frequency with which I go to church, at least. Actually, way more than that, since I never go to church unless there are free snacks promised. Which doesn’t happen as often as it should, frankly. I’d probably sneak in a few miniature Kit Kats or something to the Carbs Anonymous meeting, too. Also free crackers I stole from the salad bar I went to yesterday, because if I have to sit through an entire hour-long meeting, I at least need a salty snack AND dessert. I’m just sayin’. Anyhoo… I’m the girl who brings 2 grocery bags full of snacks for a  5 hour road trip, because apparently I have a deep-seated fear of my 2013 Nissan Versa breaking down in the harsh jungle of I-80 in Indiana, with rest stops and Subways approximately every 3 miles, and starving to death while trying to reach the nearest $5 footlong. I bring Tupperware to weddings so I can steal unattended dinner rolls and cake while everyone’s teary-eyed and distracted by the daddy-daughter dance. Don’t judge me. So this… This just doesn’t happen to me. So if anyone needs me, I’ll be off reevaluating my entire life, and my commitment to desserts.

I’m sorry, Keebler Elves. Please don’t do anything rash. Let me work through this. Keep on Elving… Or whatever you do in those trees.



Posted by on December 23, 2013 in Humor


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 responses to “The Day The Keebler Elves Died (Or Something Like That)

  1. La La

    December 24, 2013 at 12:34 am

    HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING!!! It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.


    • paulasg75

      December 24, 2013 at 1:21 am

      I know. I need help. Quick. someone give me a Mint Milano!!


  2. Kathleen

    January 4, 2014 at 12:56 am

    I came through from La La’s blog and I have to say:
    No, seriously. Why did you turn down cookies? Did you have amnesia and not remember who you are? Did the cookies have worms in them? I mean, worms that you couldn’t pick out?
    I find it extra bizarre that you would turn down cookies on December 24th . . . . There is just no SANE explanation for this.


    (nice to meet you)


    • paulasg75

      January 4, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      I know, I know! It was a moment of weakness!! I’ve since eaten lots of cookies. DON’T JUDGE ME!!

      (Nice to meet you, too!)


      • Kathleen

        January 4, 2014 at 7:59 pm

        So what? You’re pleading insanity? You just lost your mind? . . . Well, CLEARLY you LOST your mind. I’ll try not to judge, but you DID turn down cookies, and you weren’t paralyzed or anything. — It’s just unacceptable!

        ❤ xoxoxo



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