Merry Christmas to all, from Paula In The Country! I hope everyone was good this year and got all they wished for from that fat dude in the red suit. No, not my Uncle Jack in his famous red leisure suit… I’m talking about Santa. Apparently I was a naughty girl this year, because I didn’t have anything under my tree this morning other than a broken ball. Not a testicle. That’d be weird. You knew what I meant. Anyway, on this most joyous of holidays, I’m here to discuss what’s on all of our minds, besides testicles under my tree, of course… And that is ‘The Twelve Days Of Christmas’. Is it just me, or is this the weirdest Christmas song of all time? If my true love gave me any of that shit, my true love would get my true boot up his true ass. Let’s break this down, shall we?
First day of Christmas: A Partridge In A Pear Tree
First of all, I’m not sure exactly what a partridge looks like, but I’m assuming it’s a flying bird. So how exactly are we keeping this bird in the pear tree? Is the bird permanently affixed to the tree? I don’t understand. Also, I don’t do well with plants, so unless True Love is also sending a gardener, screw your tree.
Second day of Christmas: Two Turtle Doves
I like Turtles. I also like Dove chocolate. Unless that’s what we’re talking about here, try again, True Love.
Third day of Christmas: Three French Hens
Seriously, True Love. What’s with the birds? This is six birds now, dude. Although, I’m intrigued at the French part. If the hens can make me croissants and teach me how to say, “Do you really just let your armpit hair grow like that?” if I ever travel to France, they can stay.
Fourth Day Of Christmas: Four Calling Birds
Again with the birds. And these fuckers just seem like they’d be noisy.
Fifth Day Of Christmas: Five Golden Rings
HALLELUJAH, TRUE LOVE! I can get on board with this one. Unless the rings come with five Smeagols. Because that dude’s just freaky. Still not sure this makes up for four fuckin’ days of birds, but it’s a start.
Sixth Day Of Christmas: Six Geese A-Laying
That’s all I need, giant geese shitting and laying eggs. This Christmas sucks.
Seventh Day Of Christmas: Seven Swans A-Swimming
Let me get this straight, True Love, I’ve got geese shitting everywhere, hens speaking French, a partridge twist-tied to a tree, and you thought I also needed SEVEN FUCKING SWANS?!?! Unless they also come with a pool in which I can drown you, your seven swans can suck it.
Eighth Day Of Christmas: Eight Maids A-Milking
I’m cool with maids. But what they hell are they milking? If they come anywhere near my tits, someone’s getting roundhouse kicked.
Ninth Day Of Christmas: Nine Ladies Dancing
Good, the maids have someone to milk now. I don’t know where all these chicks are sleeping, though. Broads better earn their keep.
Tenth Day Of Christmas: Ten Lords A-Leaping
These Lords better be hot, and single, and good at taking orders. They also better just calm down with all that leaping.They may spill my drink.
Eleventh Day Of Christmas: Eleven Pipers Piping
Ok, this is out of hand now. I’ve got birds up the ass, bitches milking and dancing, dudes leaping, and now also piping? Apparently, True Love, you don’t want me to sleep. Dick.
Twelfth Day Of Christmas: Twelve Drummers Drumming
I hope they come with a stockpile of drumsticks, because those sonsabitches are going up a lot of asses.
See? Weird. Apparently my true love has a bird and noise obsession.
Fa la la la la… Asshole.