I work in a lumber yard.
I know what some of you may be thinking… “But Paula, you seem so glamorous and ladylike, how can you possibly work in such a place?”. I know I may come off that way, what with my excessive use of profanity, and obsession with snack foods and booze, but it’s true. I can tell you’re taken aback. I guess that’s better than being taken afront. Ha! See what I did there? Never mind. Moving along… I bet you’re also thinking that a lumber yard is not a very interesting place to work. But I’m here to dispel this myth. You see, in addition to being fun to tell potential dates (“I bet you really know your way around wood.” Yeah… haven’t heard that one before, buddy.), working at a lumber yard can be pretty interesting if you pay attention. Which I do, to the dismay of some of my coworkers. I present to you, this week’s Top Ten Quotes From A Lumber Yard:
10. “Are you going to mount that?”
A lot of mounting happens in the construction industry.
9. “I like a good sausage stuffing.”
Uhhhhh… *awkward silence*
8. “Beaver Moon? Sounds like a hairy stripper.”
I’m still trying to figure out what the hell a Beaver Moon is. Apparently it’s a thing. I’m scared to Google it.
7. “So I sat down on the toilet, and started seeing colors.”
Some things you just wish you could unhear.
6. “Don’t thank me yet, I just hammered you.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I always like to thank someone after a good hammering.
5. “At 10:30 every night, he just starts licking the carpet.”
Yeah… I dunno.
4. “Want me to throw on some Barry White?”
Because we’re romantic sometimes.
3. “Remember, you’re overtaken by sausage.”
Again with the sausage. These men are obsessed with their sausage. Typical.
2. “It’ll be so cold out there, it’ll be a turtle.”
…Is something you never want to hear your boss say.
And, my personal favorite…
1. “Well, it tingled, but it tingled the wrong way.”
I think this involved lotion and a massage… That’s when I walked away.
I also have bonus alcohol-fueled holiday party quotes, but I’ll save those for the next edition. Although, after this, my coworkers may be afraid to say anything around me. Especially if it involves sausage.