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Liebster, Liebster, Liebster!

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Ok, ok… So I haven’t blogged in forever. Can I tell you all something? I’m gonna. See, I have a brother that’s pretty ill. I blogged about it a while back. I don’t talk about it a lot because, well, it’s not really a fun thing to talk about. Anyway, a lot of my energy is being expended right now on family, and I’m afraid it’s impeding both my blogging and my Tweeting. It’s a damn shame, really. You guys are missing out on some quality Paula In The Country thoughts. I’m certain you’ve all felt an emptiness inside because of it. Or not. Whatever. Anyway, I was nominated for this award thingy a long time ago, and I’m just now getting around to doin’ this thang. So… here we go:

First off, thank you, http://athenenoelle.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for such a prestigious award, just for doing nothing other than occasionally amusing myself by rambling about absurd things. I feel like just Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars, except that I’m totally way cuter. Yep. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it. And now… to answer all these questions. Whew. I’m exhausted already.

1. Do you think having to answer questions for an award is stupid? If so, proceed to the rules, and ignore the questions. You can ignore the rules too! I don’t care. I still like you just the way you are.

I don’t HAVE to answer anything. You can’t make me. You just said so right up there.

2. What color just makes you so happy, and why?

Orange. Because it is the color of carrot cake, and carrot cake makes me happy.

3. Do you have a favorite bug? Why is it your favorite?

I do not have a favorite bug. Except maybe those bugs in the movie Bugs. They were cute. In real life, though, all bugs can pretty much suck it.

4. Do you believe in reincarnation? What is your reason for your belief, and do you feel you have proof if its existence?

Maybe. I’m not really sure. It seems a little farfetched, but my brother swears he was a weed at my parents’ wedding before he was born. True story. My family is weird.

5. How do you define “infinity”? They say our universe is infinite. Can you even conceive of the infinite? I can’t, so don’t feel bad if you can’t either.

This question is requiring me to think hard way too early in the morning, so I’m moving on.

6. What do you think real love is?

Real love means I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around… Wait… That’s a Rick Astley song. Never mind.

7. What do you dream about, if you remember your dreams?

The older I get, the less I remember my dreams. My last memorable one was about mutant puppies and me giving birth to kittens, though. You know, normal stuff. I had nipples on my stomach. Whatevs.

8. Do you believe in living with someone if you’re not married, with all of that packing and trouble for a relationship that could end in a few months?

I think living with someone prior to marriage is a requirement. I ain’t gonna marry someone I know leaves a dribble of pee running down the front of the toilet daily.

9. Do you think all Muslims are evil terrorists? (I don’t). Like all extremists, I think they are a small percentage of the total population.

No, but I think those red hat ladies are.

10. Do you like your nose? If you could have a celebrity’s nose, whose would it be, and would it go with your face, aesthetically speaking?

My nostrils look like peanuts, and I have far too many blackheads, but otherwise my nose is ok. I think I’d like a nose like Jennifer Grey’s new nose, but I think it’d look odd on my big head.

11. Do you believe in God/a Creator, and if you do, do you think God is a man or a woman, or just a Presence or a Being?

I think there’s something out there, but I don’t think I’m smart enough to know what he/she/it is. I’m pretty sure he/she/it has a Samuel L. Jackson voice, though.

Shit… 11 random facts? Good Lord, this is like the SATs up in here. Here we go:

– I have three older brothers. I’m the baby, and the only girl. My parents stopped at me because they knew they had created perfection. Again, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

– I’m scared of the ocean, bridges, flying, and bees.

– I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

– One time in junior high science class, I was reading out loud and I said ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’. It still haunts me to this day.

– I used to be a fat girl in my late teens/early 20’s. Then I got real skinny, then back to semi-fat, and now I’m somewhere in between.

– Yesterday I biked 20 miles, and I feel like someone butt raped me.

– I have a dolphin tattoo on my lower back, and it is the stupidest-looking tattoo ever. Never get a tattoo when you’re 18 years old. I need to start a campaign about this so others don’t ever have to live in shame of their lower back region like I do.

– I love musicals. LOVE them. I’ve actually taken some theatre classes, and I can sing, but sadly, I cannot dance unless it’s an accidental twerk. I wish I’d taken some dance and gotten into the theatre stuff in high school, because it seems like it’s just plain fun.

– I want to go to Greece at least once before I die. I want to see the ruins, eat the food, and sleep with a hot Greek stranger.

– I was a virgin until I was 24 years old. Despite my naughty librarian appearance, I’m really a good girl. But if I ever find the right dude and fall in love, it is SO on.

Hey look, I did 11 already! That wasn’t so hard. Now for my nominees!

http://farmerfarthing.com/

http://longchaps2.wordpress.com/

http://fisticuffsandshenanigans.com/

http://thephilfactor.com/

http://restlessnightsincheaphotels.wordpress.com/

And the questions:

1. Do you prefer to blog with or without pants on?

2. Can you please tell me how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

3. Who would you run into a burning building to save?

4. Are you at all psychic?

5. Have you ever been arrested?

6. What’s your favorite decade?

7. If you could have drinks with one person, living or dead, who would it be, and why?

8. What is your favorite household appliance?

9. Do you believe in ghosts?

10. Why’s the sky blue?

11. What’s your favorite book and/or author?

I think that’s enough questions. I have to go pee.

The rules: (which, of course, are made to be broken)

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. (There’s no need, if you don’t feel like it).
  2. Display the award on your blog–by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what a “widget” or a “gadget” is. I didn’t either.)
  3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
  4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
  5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.
  6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
  7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:
  8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Now I have to figure out how to inform my nominees that they’re nominees.

Blogging is hard.

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21 Comments

Posted by on June 1, 2014 in Humor

 

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Seriously… What The Hell’s A Liebster?

I was informed last night by my blogger friend, athenenoelle.wordpress.com, that I was nominated for a Liebster Award! Holy shit, this is so exciting! I’ve never been nominated for anything in my life, unless you count that one time with the wet t-shirt in the Florida Keys. But we don’t talk about that any more. Moving along now…

The sad thing is, though, I’m afraid that I don’t know what a Liebster Award is, and I feel like a horrible, horrible blogger for not knowing this. Shit… Should I even BE here? What’s going on? I’m scared! Where’s my mom???

Thank you for your attention.

You may all carry on now.

By the way, ‘Liebster’ is kinda fun to say. Liebster. Liebster. Liebster.

 
20 Comments

Posted by on May 18, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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You Like Me! You REALLY Like Me!

After I was snubbed yet again as a nominee for this year’s Daytime Emmy Awards, it occurred to me that perhaps I should start my OWN daytime award show. I will call them The Paulas, because clearly, I’m super original. As originator of The Paula, naturally, I will only include categories which I would surely win. They are as follows:

Best Accidental Use Of Oragel As Toothpaste

Because hellooo… at 5:00am, a tube is a tube. Someone should really mark them more clearly.

Best Performance In Lathering To The Beat Of ‘Love Shack’ While Shampooing

Tiiiiiiiiin roof! Rusted.

Best Use Of A Loofah As A Microphone

It’s not just for ass exfoliation any more.

Best Accidental Twerk While Tripping Down Stairs

Stairs are hard.

Best Use Of Restraint In Not Swearing Out Loud While Answering The Gas Pump’s 84,000 Questions

FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT WANT A CAR WASH.

Best Overuse Of Free Workplace French Vanilla Coffee Creamer

If I could get away with pumping the entire contents directly into my mouth, I would.

Best Furrowed Brow Facial Expression While Pretending To Work

No… Uhh… I wasn’t looking at baby goat videos… (Tee hee, they’re just so cute, though.)

Most Runs To The Bathroom To Keep From Having To Listen To Annoying Coworkers

Sometimes, you just gotta be one with the toilet to keep from choking someone. Write that down.

Best Car Dance Performance Which Ends Abruptly When Next To Someone At A Stoplight

Oh… Hey, hot dude next to me… No, I wasn’t just rocking out to Hall & Oates… But, perhaps you DO make-a my dreams come true. You-ooh, you-ooh.

And last, but most certainly not least:

Best Use Of Jerk-Off Motion While Talking On Phone

Because seriously… I have e-mail for a reason, folks. Duh.

Now I must go, because I’m sure Vera Wong or Dolce & Yo Gabba Gabba want to design me a gown or something.

Thank you.

 

 
9 Comments

Posted by on May 3, 2014 in Humor

 

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Adventures In Online Dating

Dating can be tough.

However, this morning I was comforted by the fact that, if nothing else, at least I am NOT a match for ManZebra.

Today is a good day.

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I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried, folks.

 
11 Comments

Posted by on April 27, 2014 in Humor

 

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Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Something occurred to me today as I was sitting at my desk at work and having conversations about blueprints mating and making baby blueprints, and all of us having personal assistant Oompa Loompas….

My job is my Cheers.

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Not that we all sit around and drink all day long, although we do, admittedly, discuss it at times. Nope, it’s not like that. It’s a feeling. A feeling of belonging to a weird, funny, dysfunctional family. A feeling of kinship. Of knowing that I can say and do the dumbest shit of all time and these people will love me for it. My job is not glamorous. It’s certainly not making me rich. But I’m good at it. And I laugh more every day at the silly, random conversations we have than should really be allowed at a workplace. These people are my Sam, my Cliff, my Coach, my Diane… Although, I guess I’d be the Diane since I’m one of the few chicks there. I’m far more Carla-like, though, except with a larger ass. But you get what I mean. To some, my job could probably be seen as pointless, and as nothing special. But to me, it’s one of the most stressful, fun, and special places at which I’ve ever had the honor of spending 5 days a week.

Plus, my boss buys me vodka and stuff.

Greatest. Job. Ever.

It’d only be better with a personal assistant Oompa Loompa. I’d name mine Norm. Normpa Loompa.

Ha! See what I did there?

Never mind.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 25, 2014 in Humor

 

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Ode To A Stranger

Tonight, as I was taking a leisurely walk with my dog in the sunshine after work, I came across a young man whom I’ve never seen before, and was inspired to write the following:

Oh, strange stoner dude,

Changing your tire in front of my house.

Sorry my dog stuck his nose in your buttcrack.

But you really had it comin’.

Get lost, freak.

Pull up your pants.

 

This has been your introduction to Paula In The Country’s deep, meaningful poetry.

You’re welcome.

 

 
5 Comments

Posted by on April 18, 2014 in Humor

 

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I’m Going To Annoy The Crap Out Of You Now

It occurred to me today, as I was participating in the time-suck we call Facebook, that there are a whole lot of cranky people out there. Frankly, I find it disturbing. Sure, I suppose our natural tendency as humans is to complain about stuff, and I’ll admit that I’m guilty of it Imagemyself on occasion. Usually at work after a night of insomnia and a morning of dealing with bad people. But as a whole, I really try to be happy, and positive, and cheerful, and annoying as crap, and to not take one single tiny thing for granted, and to say really dumb stuff to try to make people laugh, even if it’s just for a second, because a second of laughter is so much better than a second of being all frowny. Write this shit down. I’m spewing wisdom here. Someone should really consider carving my head into a mountain or something. I’m gonna get on that. You guys know any good mountain carvers? If so, hook me up. Anyway, right now, I’m going to share all the things that are making me extremely happy right at this very moment, because complaining is dumb.

1. I’m eating a pork chop with my hands like some sort of caveperson, and messy eating is just fun.

2. I got carded for wine today. 38 years old, what? Not me.

3. I have no bra on, and my boobs are like, “Ahhhhhhh.”.

4. There is sunshine on my big toe, which is greatly in need of a pedicure, which I may just have to do this weekend.

5. My little dog just sneezed a bit of pork chop on my leg, and that made me laugh.

6. I spy a bottle of Sweet Red with my name on it over there on the counter.

7. Nothing hurts. Not even the mysterious intermittent right buttcheek pain I’ve been experiencing the past day. Don’t ask me what that’s all about.

8. Spring flowers I bought last Sunday are still as fresh as the day I bought them, and brightening my dining room table.

9. All the bills sitting next to my computer are paid, and I even have money left over for some new Dr. Pepper flavored lip balm or somethin’.

10. I have a date with a very nice comic book artist next weekend, and he’s promised me the best cheeseburger in Chicago. I have high hopes for this burger. And for the date, I guess.

11. My family is all alive and well and crazy and all mine.

12. Imagine Dragons ‘On Top Of The World’ playing on my iPod, and it just makes me smile.

13. I don’t have to do a damn thing for the next 6 hours except plop my booty on the couch and watch a chick flick while drinking wine.

14. Life is just good.

There you have it, folks. If I haven’t sufficiently annoyed you with my happiness, then you’re probably just a robot. I’ll try harder next time. For now, though, it’s Wine Thirty. Pants are comin’ off, TV’s goin’ on. Do not disturb.

 

 
20 Comments

Posted by on April 11, 2014 in Humor, Life

 

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