Suck It, MyFitnessPal

04 Apr

Dear MyFitnessPal,

Despite your claim to be my ‘pal’, I’m afraid I’m going to have to walk away from this friendship. You see, this evening it occurred to me, that you, in fact, suck.

Before you try to object, I’ve thought this through for approximately 12 minutes, and have come up with a list of very valid reasons why:

1. I just searched for the calorie content of 10 kalamata olives and 2 cups of romaine lettuce, and that is really, really dumb.

2. I love cupcakes. They make me happy. And I don’t feel I can share with you when I eat one. Or three. Whatever. Three times the cupcakes = three times the happiness, that’s what I think.

3. When you tell me I could be 112 pounds in 2 weeks if I were to just stay unhealthily under my recommended caloric intake every single day, it’s just a lie. We all know that’s not how it works, MyFitnessPal. And frankly, if you were a person, I’d kick you in the nuts for making people think this sort of behavior is ok.

4. Sometimes I go to bed with my stomach growling because you told me I was over my limit for the day. Then I have dreams that involve me being in a hot tub full of nacho cheese. That shit’s just weird. Although, I’d probably totally do it if a hot tub full of nacho cheese presented itself to me.

5. I hide my raging martini and margarita habit from you. There. I said it. And no, I don’t want to know how many calories are in my margarita. All I need to know is that it’s delicious and that I should have more of them. You should really be more encouraging about these things.

6. I exercise. A lot. And I enjoy doing so, not just because you tell me I can have an extra 600 calories today because I took a Spin class, but because it makes me feel good. For 38 years old, I think I’m doing pretty well for myself, with the exception of some thigh jiggle I’ve been trying to get rid of for 3 years and, let’s face it, probably ain’t goin’ anywhere. I’ve accepted it. I don’t need you to.

7. Last, but not least, is that I’m just tired. Tired of scrutinizing every calorie I put in my mouth, and tired of feeling guilty if I consume one more olive than I’m supposed to. You’re just no fun, MyFitnessPal. Have some pie, you uptight bastard.

I feel like there should be three more reasons here to put things at an even ten, but I’m trying to let go of my obsessive-compulsive behavior, so screw it.

By the way, I know damn well I burn more than 200 calories in an hour of lifting weights, you asshole.


Paula In The Country Drinking Wine And Not About To Search For It’s Caloric Content




Posted by on April 4, 2014 in Diet & Exercise, Humor, Life


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

10 responses to “Suck It, MyFitnessPal

  1. La La

    April 5, 2014 at 1:35 am

    I use it….I feel you. My guilt and shame are skyrocketing as we speak.


    • paulasg75

      April 5, 2014 at 1:45 am

      I’m on glass of wine #5, and I’m still feeling pretty great, I gotta say. I may need popcorn. BRB.


      • La La

        April 5, 2014 at 1:48 am

        This is literally my life. Can we Skype sometime? Is that weird? Jesus.


        • paulasg75

          April 5, 2014 at 4:07 am

          Are you drunk? I feel like we may be soul mates.


          • La La

            April 5, 2014 at 4:15 am

            Literally so drunk.


            • paulasg75

              April 5, 2014 at 12:16 pm

              “Can we Skype sometime?” Holy crap, this just made me LOL this morning! Oh, red wine. Gotta love it. But seriously, I’d love to Skype if my computer wasn’t from the 90’s and actually supported Skype. Sadly, it does not. It’s all I can do just to get Internet Explorer to work. First world problems. I got ’em.


              • La La

                April 5, 2014 at 8:45 pm

                Haha, I think I asked you on a date. Amazing.


                • paulasg75

                  April 6, 2014 at 1:45 pm

                  I’m ok with that. Best offer I’ve had all year, actually.


  2. Elizabeth Ann

    April 12, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Lol! I’m all in for #4. I’ve had similar thoughts about MFP. The best was when I accidentally lost 3 pounds one time and it told me due to my rapid weight loss I should adjust my fitness goals, then lowered my daily calories to 800.

    Liked by 1 person

    • paulasg75

      April 14, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      I think my dessert last night consisted of more than that.



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