The Osmond Vs. The Samoa

14 Jan


You know what’s weird? During the holiday season, my jeans shrunk a lot. I’m pretty sure it was my new laundry detergent. Or I suppose it could’ve been the eggnog, appetizers, martinis, and desserts. Whatever. One of those. In any case, I decided that I’d had enough. I’ve always been pretty good at eating healthy, but left to my own devices, I seem to choose a healthy salad, followed by three (Or four. Five, tops.) handfuls of chips, or cake. Maybe a couple cookies. I mean, it all evens out, right? I’m all about balance. Well, turns out that thinking finally caught up to my outer thigh region. So, even though I’d pretty much like to punch Marie Osmond in her overly cheerful face every time I see a Nutrisystem commerical, I figured I’d give it a shot. What the hell, at least it’ll save me from potentially burning the house down with my cooking for a month or two.

So far, it’s been ok, other than the fact that within the first couple of days, I briefly thought about how my coworker’s hand would taste were it deep fried, or ground up into some sort of hand salad on rye with lettuce and tomato, but that was really only after he’d pissed me off for doing something stupid like speaking to me while I was hungry. So I’m down 6 pounds, feeling great… Then, today… Enter: Girl Scout Cookies. Who the hell’s bright idea was this???  I picture a boardroom meeting comprised of Girl Scouts with little green devil horns. “Let’s see… When would the best time be to start selling our crack-like cookies? I know! How about right when everyone’s chubby from holiday eating and trying to NOT feel like Jabba The Cookie-Consuming Hut!”. And then they all laugh an evil Girl Scout laugh, which I’m pretty sure probably sounds like a group of Wizard Of Oz flying monkeys. Evil little wenches.

Challenge One for the year: Resist the Thin Mints.

Challenge Two for the year: Don’t kick a Girl Scout, nor give one a piledriver outside a grocery store. At least not while their moms are watching.

I’m totally not thinking about how delicious Thin Mints are straight out of the freezer right now. Not at all.

Little green bitches.

I may have some anger about this.

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Posted by on January 14, 2014 in Humor, Life


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