Top Five Recipes For The Zombie Apocalypse

04 Jan

I was thinking to myself today, “P-Dawg…” (because that’s what I call myself sometimes is P-Dawg), “… Should the Zombie Apocalypse occur, what kind of gourmet meals could you whip up on a budget of $0 and a good mini-mart ransacking?”. I mean, I think we all have this thought at some point, don’t we? Duh. So, to save you all time, I’ve done the leg work for you. Good thing I’m thinking ahead, too, because if I get my leg chomped by a zombie, I won’t be able to do leg work any more at all.

One thing of utmost importance, before I go any further, is that a can opener is crucial to try to keep handy, because not only is it essential in many post-Apocalyptic recipes, it’s also good for use in striking a deadly blow to a zombie’s head. Dual purpose items will come in very handy during the Zombie Apocalypse, I imagine.

1.) Pop Tart Peanut Butter Balls

I know you may be thinking… Why would you mess with a perfectly good Pop Tart? But trust me. After a few days of the same old boring zombie killing and Pop Tart eating, you’re going to want to shake up that breakfast a little. All you need is a handful of peanut butter (crunchy or creamy, whatever your preference, or whichever you’re able to pry out of the nearest cold, dead hands), a Pop Tart, smash ’em together, and shape into smooshy Apocalypse balls. If you’re REALLY feeling wacky, feel free to roll in Captain Crunch crumbs, just for sugar shits n’ giggles.


2.) Sweet N’ Sour Spam

I don’t know about you, but I love recipes with an N’, because let’s face it, they’re just fun. And who doesn’t enjoy a good can of Spam? I know I do! All you’ll need is a can of Spam (either cut into chunks if you can obtain a knife, or ripped apart with your bare hands like a Spam savage), a can of pineapple chunks, some brown sugar, water, a saucepan or garbage can lid, and fire. Throw the ingredients together, and simmer until hot. If you’re afraid the fire will draw zombies, it’s perfectly acceptable to eat this cold. After all, it’s the Apocalypse. Beggars can’t be choosers. Yeesh. So high maintenance.


3.) Beef Jerky With A Goober Grape Glaze

You don’t even need a can opener for this one! Just pop open that can of Goober Grape, smear that jerky with a good Goober Grape coating, and enjoy.


4.) Beefaron-Its! Casserole

After a hard day of fighting zombies, you’re going to be hungry for something hearty. Not only does this fit the bill, but it’s also super simple to make. Just crumble the crap out of those Cheez-Its, mix with the Beefaroni, and you’ve got yourself a Chef OHBOYardee! masterpiece fit for any zombie-bludgeoning warrior.


5.) Twinkie Trifle

No Zombie Apocalypse would be complete without dessert, or the scariest of spongy pastries… The Twinkie. This one is very simple. All you need is Twinkies, Magic Shell, Marshmallow Fluff, and Frosted Flakes. Find the nearest semi-clean container, layer the ingredients, and Voila! Apocalypse-friendly dessert for a crowd!


Stay tuned for what I have in store for you next week: Apocalyptic cocktails! Just because there’s an Apocalypse doesn’t mean we can’t raise a martini glass, and our pinkies. I mean, unless our pinkies have been bitten off. Let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.


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Posted by on January 4, 2014 in Humor, Uncategorized


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