Last night I got together with some of my oldest and greatest friends, and naturally, as is the norm at most holiday gatherings, the conversation quickly turned to Kegels. I’m not sure how this conversation started, but it got me to thinking… What exactly IS a Kegel, and should I be doing them? I mean, I have reached the age where doing jumping jacks is definitely a bit of a risk if I really have to pee. Maybe I should look into this. So… I Googled ‘Kegels’. Kegel Google? Say that ten times fast. Anyhoo… I thought I’d share my findings, because, you know, we’ve already established that I like to be helpful. I’m a giver, what can I say?
Paula In The Country’s Guide To Kegel Exercises
1. The first challenge is finding the right muscle. Apparently this takes a lot of diligence. So buckle down and prepare to find those pelvic floor muscles. Take deep breaths. Concentrate. And stop peeing mid-stream. (Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I tend to take in a lot of fluids each day, mostly in the form of Coke Zero and Fireball Whiskey, so stopping midstream could be a challenge for me. I haven’t tried it yet. I’ll let you know how it goes later.)
2. Once you’ve mastered the art of midstream pee stoppage, congratulations! You are now ready to perfect that pelvic muscle strengthening technique. First, you must finish peeing. This is important, because it’s hard to perfect the technique while sitting on the toilet. Then, lie flat on your back. You should be used to that position. Ha! Just kidding. I’m sure you’re all not slutty at all. Anyway… contract those muscles like your pelvic region is a Hoover trying to suck a ping pong ball up for five seconds. Then, shoot that ball right back out. Continue playing pelvic ping pong until you work your way up to a full 10 second ping pong play.
3. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!! Don’t flex your butt. Don’t fart. Don’t itch anything. Just breathe and suck, breathe and suck.
4. Repeat three times a day, and soon your pelvic floor muscles will be like Arnold Schwarzenegger. But not old, fat Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like, Terminator Schwarzenegger.
Now that I’ve equipped you with all of this insight, I trust everyone will have strong pelvic floor muscles in no time. Now go. Go forth and Kegel.
Remember… Breathe and suck, breathe and suck.