Candy Crush Cult

07 Jun

I’m pretty sure I’m losing friends because I refuse to participate in Candy Crush Saga. I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I am just not a game person. Never have been. Not since the Q-Bert era, anyway. I get game anxiety. I’m afraid of game failure. I think it may stem from when I was a child playing Operation, and every time I tried to extract his tiny little leg bone and failed, my brother would give me a giant wedgie. It still haunts me. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, weeping and frantically pulling my drawers out’ my ass crack. Hang on… I need a moment…

Ok, I’m back. That was emotional for me. Back to my original thought…

I feel as if my friends’ lives are being taken over with this game, and because I’m a Non-Crusher, I’m some kind of outcast. I want in, damn it! But then again, I really don’t. It’s a double-edged sword, I tell ya. If they’d start making Candy Crush Saga like Pitfall, and put in some alligators eating dudes and shit, I’d be in. Until then… Screw you, Candy Crushers. Hell no, I won’t go!

But… please come back to me.

I miss you.

Love me.


Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Humor, Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Candy Crush Cult

  1. Bill

    June 8, 2013 at 2:02 am




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